[hello.]

it is

2012-02-08T21:48:00.001-05:00

an easy thing to thank God when things are good.
a courageous thing to do when things are not.

keep counting.

2012-01-24T18:29:00.002-05:00

I rubbed her feet and she leaned her head back on the chair and told me about the stroke and the monastery and the East side of the state and I remember some things, like about the monk-son and the daughter in Cali working with troubled children

mostly I remembered her saying that

one thing she told her children was

to live a life that is full is to bless intentionally each person you come into contact with

she asked me, sweetie, how old are you because she wondered at me questions and my serious thinking and my determination to love well

live a life that is full by blessing each person you come into contact with

Mommy T (Mother Theresa)
she said this as well. She said don't worry about loving everyone and doing everything.
she said to love one.

one

one one

one one one
one one one one
one one one one one one one one one one
one one one one one one one one one one
one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one
one one one one one one one one one one one one one
one one one one one one one
one one one one one one one
one one one one one one one one one one one one
one one one one one one one one
one one one one one one one one one one one one
one one one one
one one one

yes.

it's obnoxiously numerous
and that is how you build your treasure and lay your life down
and impact this world
and love God by loving others
and loving others as you love yourself

I may have done some good in Bangladesh or Mali Africa
but, Jesus continually simplified his instructions to us and said to love God and love others as you love yourself

I've been trying to run from the numbers for a few years now, the numbers of responsibility
the people I feel responsible to love
and how God has blessed me with an answer, by giving me a gift of one that he asks me to love as He loves him...

I haven't written much lately.
Perhaps its because I have started my career as a stylist
or because my boyfriend put a ring on my finger and became my fiance

God has whispered that I can now focus my love
the love he has put in me
on Him
and on a few others
and on those in my chair

I pray over the heads of those that I shampoo
I dream I make lists I cook I try to make time to paint

I am becoming who I am supposed to become and when I get comfortable then God reminds me
that this life is not for comfort it is for pouring out
for repenting and refining each section of my house
my life
my thoughts
my actions
to reflect him

and how I fail.

And there is One, above the other ones that I must love most
and he has called me to that this year
called me back to him
He's beckoned me to read Matthew right now
and asked for more of my time
and asked me to drive the speed limit
and asked me to slow down

it seems I've always multitasked
always tried to love the person in front of me while doing something else
and he's asked me to slow myself
to be like a weaned child, to still and quiet my soul (Ps. 131:2)

Challenge me this year to be slow
to love the One, and one at a time
and pray for me in 2012 to learn to love the one that I am marrying as well as I can.

missed you all.
glad to be back.

tethered to joy

2011-12-04T14:20:00.003-05:00

this weekend I learned a few things, primarily that polyester is very hot, a good mix of dt. Pepsi and coffee and no water because it smells funny is dehydrating, that boyfriend keeps getting better with time (Max went to see my family without me while I was away!), that we should love people even if other people deem them less quality because sometimes they become the best of friends, and that it is good to invest in quality oil paint because the results is so much more appealing.

I bought a ring this weekend. it is oval and covers most of my pudgy middle finger and I bought it as I close and return the book "1000 gifts" - a book that shared with me the secret of conquering anxiety, bitterness and anger - with Thankfulness, the second salvation. This ring is somewhat of a stake in the ground, as Rod would put it. Skip told us to build an altar to remember things, to have a symbol to constantly remind ourselves when God has spoken. And in this last year, God has spoken over me two themes,

THANK the Lord for His STEADFAST (*dutifully unwavering) LOVE, for His wonderous works to the children of man! and let them offer sacrifices of THANKSGIVING. and tell of his DEEDS in songs of JOY.

- Psalm 107:21-22

1. God has steadfast, dutifully unwavering love for me.
2. I will always have a reason to be thankful and bless my God.

I spent the weekend with K10. I made a list of things to complete and I completed every single one of them. The sky was gray which is K10's favorite color, and the ground was wet the entire time, which was a gift from Jesus to me. I was forced to wear my polyester hood as K10 learned patience from antique shop to antique shop.

K10, she brings rest out of me. [everyone brings something different out of you?] K10 brings rest. and patience. I struggled with her dang stupid sewing machine and made mittens and she carefully fixed the machine, slowly wrapping the thread when I'd break things and calmly conclude the procedure of getting me back on track.

I felt a strange thing as we closed the weekend, I felt anger. I think it is because life will be different soon-- I have a job and a man who means more to me than any kind of freedom. I will soon live a life that is not completely my own, which even this statement is denial because my life is already not my own.

I am tethered willingly to God. even our joys are tethering and sometimes we strain at them. I am delighted to be tethered to God, to those that I love, to good quality oil paint, to my personality, to inspiration and hair color and curls and knitting needles and writing artful music and all those things that come with me. And, Max tethers himself willingly to my craziness. and I to his.

I am estatic about this, and sometimes frustrated. But in the end I am estatic to be tethered to a God who expects love from us when we'd rather not talk to the old man in the antique shop who wants to discuss old vehicles and Whitehall in the 1900's after the war.

Kristen turns on her blinker and I finish writing this blog on the gluten free cookie bag that sits next to me. We leave Whitehall and I get excited to see Max. Her eyes are tired from writing the bible, and the sleeves of my elbows are stained from oils. This is the life that I have been called to, I build an altar and remember how blessed, how bless I am in it.

remembering. thankfulness.

2011-11-19T15:57:00.004-05:00

things have really turned around and I guess that is why Jesus writes stories "for such a time as this"

this year really feels like a holiday, I will really be celebrating because now I understand thanksgiving and I hope I never give that up, even in the hardship.

For 21 years we were all on our knees for Jesh, and now his eyes are soft and his mouth weeps truth after truth after truth and he writes deliberately on his facebook about the love of God. the streams of living water are coming forth. I remember the image I got years ago of him at the front of church with soft eyes, worshipping our God. this is an answer to prayer.

My Father is at home in his life, finally. He holds the hand of my mother and their hands are leathering, together. this is an answer to prayer.

I've prayed that Austin would become a leader, a teacher - and he now leads worship at Ada Bible and I can see His spirit reawakening even with the limp without the motorcycle, without the pipes, the boos, the insects, the metal detectors. God awakens Him. This is an answer to prayer.

I've prayed for my Mother to love my Father, to respect Him despite his flaws and she now says, how cute he is, and she leans in, she leans in, she leans in toward him. this is an answer to prayer.

Jamin's insides are healing as well, and he is becoming bold and able and manly and He is holding hands with a woman of purity and proverbs 31 qualities. This is an answer to prayer.

Josiah has discovered parts of himself and still wades just as we all did through those high-school and freshman college years... and he will come closer as the years pour forth. He leads worship, a prayer request I have been offering up for the last few years - that he would turn his performing into worship - and this last week at church He wept in front of church, sharing a song about our Father's Son, Jeshua who is now the Lords. He told the congregation that He is now giving up performing and will now be simply worshipping. This is an answer to prayer.

I am no longer shaking in the mornings or letting my mind wander - It is disciplined on most days and I feel strong and able and stable. For the first time in my life I am living without fear. I look ahead and laugh at the future. My God has steadfast love for me. This Steadfast Love, and this Thankfulness - they have cured my anxious wayward heart. All is Grace. This is an answer to prayer.

So, I ask, will you pray now for the Grandparents who do not know the Lord? For the Kitri who is so young and ready for the world to collapse her or grow her? All is Grace.

There are many more prayers, some unanswered still, waiting - but we will wait on the Lord and we will thank Him and recall the past and the words that we have offered up in HOPE and we will remember, as Max always says, we must remember.

2011-10-28T11:24:00.003-04:00

the edges of his mouth curled up into a smile
it was on the way to McDonalds today
and he smiled while he informed me he's been highlighting.

in his bible.

when it began happening, I don't think I at first offered praise.
it was like I just held my breath, waiting for it to pass, for it not to be real.
I didn't believe it.

Sort of like Dave, you know, we've been praying for him for 3 years now and the Smiths still find him passed out on the porch or behind the brick wall sucking down his demon in a can with Deba Jean and you begin to roll your eyes or shake your head or laugh when you hear he's sobered up now because, we've heard it a thousand times before - and still, there is a small seed of hopefulness. and there is hope.

I've been on my knees since J was 7, pleading to the Lord for his salvation.

This morning I walked into his room, the one with bright colors and tie-dyed things hanging everywhere, the dresser-drawers littered in sharpie, wooden boards with spray-painted shapes - and my body got chills.

two years ago I remember walking in and praying over that room because it held a presence of darkness - remember the open bedroom window that he smoked marijuana out of? or the "coke" he was drinking diluted with vodka. It is good to remember the bad I think, because then you see the redemption. I remember when I lived at the boiler room and I cried and cried and cried because I learned he was trying to figure out if he was a homosexual - and he was experimenting. I remember seeing the scars on his upper arm from cutting, and Mom made him keep his door open. I remember the loosing weight, the constant fidgeting, the dull eyes, the paranoia about medical problems everytime I was around him. I remember him at 7, he wouldn't speak - the self-loathing. I remember the drawings we've found in the last 10 years, the demons, the skeletons, the naked women.

this morning, my body got chills because I walked into his room and there was worship music on high volume. and the room felt light.

and he asked me last week about a drawing of a skeleton, he asked if I thought he should throw it away because it was so dark - He had drawn it for a friend who wanted to have it tattooed on his body, and Jesh said He didn't want to let his friend have it anymore.

and he's highlighting in his bible.
he's given up alcohol for life.
he's spoken of spray painting verses.
and his facebook is not longer littered with the F word, or complaints or boredom, but this is a recent status of his on Facebook where He is proclaiming his faith better than I do

Once you do what God wants you to do, you realize that's what you really need, and all you ever really WANTED.

and another

With God, all things are possible.

You can be who you are meant to be. You can benefit most out of life. You can be who you actually really want to be deep down with God.

You can still be artsy and beautiful, rocker or punk, hippie or scene, forget being sad and emo, be happy with life and LOVE people, as the army says, Be All You Can Be, you can have a clear path and direction, a life of purpose, YOU CAN BE FREE, soooo free and happy...With God. connect with people, be peaceful and stay positive!

So. thank you, if your lips have ever stood in the gap for my brother.

Max told me once that an old lady came up to him once at church and said, Max, I pray for you every single day. And Max told me that he thought it incredible that who he is today is largely because of that lady, because as God searched the earth from heaven and looked down he saw Max because of that ladies constant prayers and He answered from Heaven... inspiring.

and if you would offer up another prayer for Jeshua as you read this - I pray for continued pulling toward God - that the seeds would go deep - That his entire life would be redeemed and that God would use Him in incredible ways.

Thank you.

Thank you Lord for

2011-10-28T08:42:00.003-04:00

1. sun coming through ugly lace curtains.
2. Thankfulness that has quenched anxiety.
3. Max Garter - a man whom I love to be with.
4. 2 wonderful roommates who push me closer to Jesus and live in this tiny baby house with peace and harmony.
5. This tiny baby house. (Haven't I always DREAMED of this?)
6. A house ahead of me to clean...
7. God's faithfulness to begin healing work in my little brother who now professes your name after 21 years of prayer. (send one up right now if you are reading this, for Jeshua's continued dedication to Jesus Christ)
8. God's steadfast, dutifully unwavering love.
9. Hope. finally. full and beautiful HOPE.

2011-10-14T16:38:00.001-04:00

the only way to fight a feeling is with a feeling. feel thanks and its impossible to feel angry. we can only experience one emotion at a time. and we get to choose what emotion we WANT to feel.

- 1000 gifts. pg. 136.

Dear Fishhead, these pictures made me think of us.

2011-10-07T15:16:00.013-04:00

You never really understand a person until
you consider things from his point of view— until you
climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.
— Atticus Finch, To Kill a Mockingbird

[love you.]

2011-10-07T12:42:00.002-04:00

I have discovered joy.

it isn't Max or the job or the new house the new location the people

its the still small voice the answered questions, the real and true and a live God that I do life with and next to and in everyday who has led me to max the job the new house the new location and the people

it is the spirit of thankfulness that he has brought me into by his grace because of the book the verses the small lesson that dropped the seed in Alaska

the thankfulness has killed the majority of the bitterness the fear the depression the anxiety the lack of trust that plagued me that still plagues me some days but as God brings me further into His eyesight

there is healing.

I have learned that:

If you feel as if God is prodding you in an area and you respond to Him and allow Him to work and move - in a sin area, or in a stronghold, in a lie, in your life - there will be freedom. God moves to produce freedom because Jesus came that we might have life and have it to the fullest.

I believe this. and I am learning to see.

His grace for today

2011-09-19T20:57:00.003-04:00

1. wilting dalias
2. rainy mornings followed by sunny, cool, late afternoons
3. Marcy Smith's swollen feet.
4. scarves.
5. moving boxes (for Frederick street!)
6. Aleece Hansen's eyes.
7. greenery in my bedroom
8. courage to speak
9. God's word which is living and active
10. "Whatever you do, do it without complaining or arguing." - Philippians.
11. sitting on laps
12. french press coffee
13. air in my lungs
14. a Jesus who loves me and covers all of my sins and wipes me clean everyday and tells me, "Chelsea, my mercies are new every morning."

2011-09-12T21:14:00.004-04:00

there was that charcoal porch where the breaking and healing began back there in 2007.

In 2011, I still sit here, now, with Marcy and a few piles of freshly cut hair, the boys and man upstairs watching the game
Mya, I am sure, was on a couch somewhere pretending she was a lapdog
and Kevin had shaken out his shirt, Max was somewhere between here and Wayland

and it felt whole while the wind blew over us, like something had happened
something had healed.

all is well.
finally feels somewhat real.

we talked of dreams. and the years of journals and pages that had been flipped through, and now we were sitting inside those dreams, and it felt like life had always felt. We remarked how very crazy it was that God had brought us to the places we had asked, and yet, even though our prayers had been fulfilled and we praised God for the lessons a long the way and the dreams fulfilled in our hearts - it still felt somewhat fulfilled and yet empty. not empty in a bad way, just not in a full way.

yet, the garden still grows flowers, and the trees still bud, and the bugs still make those creaking noises at night. the seasons keep coming and going. And God never changes. despite all of it. all of the moving,

from home to Bangladesh, to home, to Jana's, to Africa, to Nancy's, to the Boiler room, to the Smiths, to Alaska, to the Harangozo's, to home and now, there is a small little house on Frederick that may be calling our name if the Lord wills.

And Max? Max Garter? I remember watching him from far away, that tall quiet man and now, sometimes he feels commonplace, but he is not. they are never commonplace, our dreams fulfilled. But I will run these roads with him and do yoga in the living room and who would have thought that a year ago? I must still remark and look at him and praise God for fulfilled dreams! We forget. so often. and Brooke is back where she belongs (Westside) but now there is a baby on her hip and a wedding band, and Daniel is still walking with a Chelsea and it is as it should be, and Jay gardens, Jana will soon birth again and the womb will again be empty along with Marcy, and Tammy is dreaming and moving with me (Lord Willing) just like we DREAMED a year and a half ago, making a pact to live together before we get married and I could go on and on and on and on and on and on

there are a lot of journals and pages and dreams fulfilled because God has ears

and yet
we let them run empty, not empty in a bad way, just not in a full way
we remember and still
we let them run empty

I want to applaud that emptiness because I think that it is God's way of showing us that we can chase, we can dream, we can become fulfilled in all of these things - JOY -- what joy! in fulfilled dreams. but they do run empty.

and this is not wrong.

there is a reason that they wane.

Because He is the only thing that fills, and if we had all that we wanted to have here and felt all we wanted to feel here, we wouldn't chase after more or dream of that place called heaven where we get to be with Him in GLORY

and if all of the things around us filled us, we would never have to ask Him to.

And, then I found that quote that Marcy was talking about that day on the porch when time stood still and things felt full and I got to embrace all that God has given me with all of my arms

B, she spoke about this dreaming that I am talking about...

5

i think that one thing we are learning these days is that dreams are far less lovely in their actuality than in the imagination. like this thing with the neighborhood boys and bikes (“this is what i dreamed of,” tim said one day after answering the millionth request for help, “so i guess i can’t scorn it.”) being a parent is another example, of course. and so is missional living in a neighborhood with not much going for it. and now there’s this other dream… a Big One; the one that drew tim and i together with a sense of shared purpose foundational to our marriage… and it, too, is inching into actuality… so it, too, is starting to feel a little less romantic. we dream without even knowing the cost. i wonder if the dreams of God planted in our hearts are the only ones that can survive the onslaught of Coming True. and i wonder what will happen to this one. all i know is that i stand at the threshold with more ambivalence than i would have predicted.

(being vague for now intentionally).

6

remember: to stand behind a good man with all your strength and conviction, and to raise a child with all your wisdom and endurance are large enough contributions to humanity and the Kingdom.

2011-09-08T21:44:00.003-04:00

I asked God to speak to me today about a certain subject, and, so, when my mind started to wander, or my insides started to tighten, or I tried to find my own solutions to the messes in my life, I would re-adjust my mind and say no, I will wait on the Lord, and I will think on only what I know He says about the matter.

On the way home tonight, I asked Him again.

"Speak Lord."

A picture flashed in my mind of two large soundboards... you know, the kind that sound engineer guys use with all of those crazy buttons, some of them are flashing, some of them you can move up and down, but ALL of them were screaming at me. There were two walls of them. One in front of me and one behind me. did I mention, I had to, in this picture, learn how to control all of them the right way in order for something to function correctly? I could feel the panic rise up in me,

"I can't do it, I can't do it, I don't know how!"

and then the response. It felt like God walked into the room and relief came over me. like God was trying to say to me,

"Chelsea, I'm not asking you to do this. I'm asking you to let me do it. I'm asking you to trust me with all of these buttons that makes this thing run smoothly. Trust me."

Does the panic subside? no, not always. Not immediately. But when a trial, or a problem comes and you begin to seek a solution - God has one. Always. Sometimes it IS a clear answer to your question, sometimes He just asks that you step aside and let him at the buttons.

He knows how to let this thing run smoothly. (and so, I can give up and stand amazed at my Abba.)

1. the lunch that Max packed so perfectly in a lil plastic container
2. cutting hair on a porch on the westside
3. Schuler's books
4. Jazz music, and finding my Dad passed out on the couch when I get home
5. Emily Haus singing to Salon music, outloud, at the reception desk
6. People mooning people. hysterical.

2011-09-05T10:59:00.002-04:00

"the reason we are not always under pressure is because of the grace of God. The fact is that all of life truly would be a day of evil--and much worse!--if not for the grace and goodness of a loving God. He continually operates to restrain the powers that war against us and to allow times of refreshment, recreation, enjoyment, and blessing. It is tragic that we so often take these times of refreshment for granted, enjoying them without of single thought for the goodness of God which makes them possible. Instead of giving thanks to God for those times of refreshment, we feel entitled to God's blessing, and we are quick to complain that God is unfair when life doesn't go according to our expectations." - Ray Stedman

2011-08-27T10:12:00.007-04:00

sweat trickles down my back but I have legs and it is sunny.

this morning I feel like a child that is just learning to open it's eyes.

I sit last night and Ally Su points out her mothers swollen feet as Marcy quickly tucks them under her and I wake this morning to Mom who climbs in next to me with prayers for and stories of Adam, earlier this week, the seizures, the ER, the chemotherapy meds, the cancer, the dog who notified the family as Adam shook in bed

I pave the roads with my feet and watch the farmer harvest next to where the horses graze and trample the earth

I pass Kathy's farm. she found heaven in death.

And I remember the bike ride, months ago, when God gently reminded me that there are fields and wildflowers and amongst them, poison ivy. but there are still fields and wildflowers.

the Surfer's legs can testify to the poison ivy, but he still remembers the hike,the way the skyline looked at the top, the backpack--he still remembers the campfire and conversation and the staring at the stars in the sand at night

Adam may not last to bring in the next year, but a Smith child will be born. it does not all make sense.

sweat trickles down my back but I have legs and it is sunny and there is queen ann's lace and I whisper, "Father" "abba" for Adam, for E who I stay up with late into the night, for the addresses I pass, for the clenched fists of my brother, and then

I ask God to calm me and immediately the wind picks up and runs its fingers through the branches of the trees (and I hear Him) and then

I feel again, like a child that is just learning to open it's eyes, and I must remind myself to. I thank God for the rows of corn with yellow hairy heads, the fresh tomatoes in the bowl next to me, the sound of the curling of the wrench in Jamin's hand, I write as I run, as my feet repave the broken cement, the wind chimes on the wrap around porch, the way the sun kisses the freshly mowed lawn,

the swollen feet of Marcy because of the womb that protrudes
and I reset my mind.

"I have come that you may have life, life to the fullest." - Jesus

Thank you Jesus, today, for:
1. running shoes.

2. sunshine.

3. shane and shane - "the riches of your love will always be enough, nothing compares to your embrace, light of the world forever reign.. my heart will sing, no other name, Jesus. Jesus..."

4. sleeping in.

5. first morning conversations with M Garter

6. realizing the distance so that you can draw near again.

7. Letters of reconciliation sent across states.

2011-08-17T10:27:00.003-04:00

wait on the LORD.

I just typed those words and then looked at them, pondering them, wondering at them.

Knowing, having faith even if it is small that this is what God is asking me to do right now.

I then looked down at the base of the computer and saw a stack of 4 verses that Mom had placed there.

the fourth one said this,
"wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart: Wait, I say, on the Lord." - Ps 27:14

sometimes you don't have to wonder long what God is saying to you.

____________________________________________

2. and I spent this afternoon with this girl
and we watched a man with only one arm walk by
a family of 6 feed ducks where they weren't supposed to
and we sat in a coffee shop with rust colored walls, pee-green chairs, listening to Nora Jones as we edited pictures

and I felt God's grace on me.

I sit amazed at God

for this friendship. this person who has proved that God is real and a live and faithful. (she has taught me things.)
for a man who loves seeks and searches God's heart to better know his own, a man who is also waiting on God
for the fan on my legs and
this dark chocolate bacon flavored coffee that, I am not so sure about
but I had to try.

2011-08-13T10:00:00.003-04:00

1. waking up to watch the lightning bolts this morning. "He directs the lightning bolt..." - Job.
2. "face time" with my brown friend. Salt and Pepper go well together.
3. talk of new dreams with a brown friend.
4. rain. rain. rain.
5. couch cushions on the porch, best (man) friends hand in my hand, quiet night.
6. greek pizzas.

2011-08-11T22:54:00.006-04:00

I'm trying to take a collection of little memories and moments of when I was little because Gail says, it is true that the things that delighted your heart when your heart was young and unwounded and free -- these are the things that probably still delight your heart now. things that God built into you.

I find myself biking a week ago on the Kent trails with Emily and I recall (or does God bring it to my memory?) of how I felt when I biked when I was young. my scraggly hair whipping back. how I loved to bike - my brothers a head of me, or in toe. we'd end up at the stop sign on Bennett and have to touch to sign to say we'd made it. I loved biking.

I loved waking up slowly and looking out the window for a hour, not moving, just praying under my breath and thanking God for the sounds, the line of the top of the trees that looks like the outline of a mans profile. I would sneak downstairs for green apples (something I still love) - I'd cut them in slivers, and pile them onto a plate and then graham crackers with peanut butter or cream cheese and sneak back into my room, before the house was awake, and I would read, my back propped up with pillows. I'd read. for hours. or minutes. if I could. in the quiet room.

these, these I still love. but I have forgotten these small graces.

until now.

(who is the young version of you?)

(thank you, Jesus.)
1. this blog
2. purple haired woman with a beautiful perspective on life
3. Mom. who doesn't want to look at the pictures of the house the girls and I are looking at to move into because she doesn't want me to leave.
4. Max's faith and his poneytail.
5. sunsets with pregnant women and the yells of freezing surfers.

the Lord

2011-08-10T10:33:00.004-04:00

is gracious and merciful

slow to anger

abounding in steadfast (unwaveringly dutiful) love.

Psalm 103:8

1. fresh brewed coffee freshly ground beans
2. Kitri's "wanna play? wanna play?"
3. two perfectly scrambled eggs. salt and pepper.
4. cleaning this old house.
5. dinner plans with the studly Max Garter and Kevin and Gabe.

God's grace

2011-08-08T21:42:00.012-04:00

1. the quiet of the rain on the green grass and the flowers gardened by my Mother
2. the Mother who teaches me that everything is a test and has proven faithful when tested
3. Dalias amongst purple long-stemmed things and beautiful yellow circle flowers
4. this verse that will pierce my heart sitting along my dashboard on the way to work

"I have chosen you. I will not cast you off. Fear not. I am with you. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

5. a book of promises that I can count on (because people cannot always be counted on but Abba is faithful.)
6. another beautiful day at Genesis Salon
7. this blog.

the Fathers love.

2011-08-06T22:54:00.004-04:00

and he held me as I br o ke.

later he told me, we cannot act based on feelings (something I find a weakness of mine)

I remember the panic (two summers ago) and the way that God spoke that simplicity over me, those simple instructions as I waited tables of old retired men with nothing to do and bumped into B who's insides were troubled and who went shaking into the bathroom and tried to wear the tie firmly to cover up the fear, the mishap the failure. I remember D who's husband took long trips and who's legs had begun to sag and who's eyes looked sad but her insides kept going she seemed very interested in everyone's perspective and very content and I remember L who didn't know left from right but had a baby at home and who tattooed her back and wore things now that she never used to wear

I remember God speaking to me then in my weariness.

God said, simply,

"show them me."

and so I did. I became bold with a joy that is not mine. in my weakness. sometimes it didn't come through. sometimes it did. I felt His strength when it did and sometimes I had to remind myself again what He said over and over in order to keep going

it felt right, my eyes were tired from no sleep over and over again, no sleep but then it was the Lord who had to be a light in those tired eyes and hands and feet

God reminded me of this in the last few days as I stayed at the smiths and walked the dog and cleaned the floor - such simple instructions. this call to love, to joy, to peace - all fruits that grow ready in us but are so easily stomped out by our own desires and thoughts

we easily stomp on them when we interact with family and friends - people who get our worst, our best but God still begs

"show them me."

it is when we are weakest that we must beg God to reveal Himself through us and it is then that we become strong

we must be weak and if we are not weak willingly, He will make us such so that we must cry out to him and remember him and return to him and he will "give us just enough" (as Rod shared last Sunday)

these lungs, this heart, this brain
it cannot continue on without Him
and so I ask that God produce good from this body that he allows to breathe, to beat to think

God, let me love you by being you to them.

I can't imagine

2011-08-01T21:31:00.003-04:00

the fawn lay there, it's neck cocked back awkwardly on the cement
eyes glazed over, the speckles on it's back blowing awkwardly in the wind

Since Derek passed I've thought a lot about death
and I have tried to put my own feet into Charities shoes
(i cannot imagine)

again last Sunday, the lie crept in, the one about how you won't be able to handle it when someone close to me dies
(its never happened, I can't imagine)

I do not fear death for myself at all, I WANT to see God
seated on His throne
the Sapphire, the angels, the sounds

but I've been asking God about death.

as I mixed color a few weeks back, I felt God nudge me

"Remember Lazarus, Chelsea? I wept. I cry for Charity and the girls. I'm with them. I'll be with you too."

the other week I asked God more, I asked Him why

why murders? why killings? why disease? why abortion? why abuse? Rape? divorce?

how would I handle it?
(it is something you don't know unless it happens, until it happens
I cannot imagine)

then I saw the fawn, crippled, lying there, dead? dying?
I felt God answer me,

"Because of sin in the world, Chelsea. Beautiful things are broken. It's not like I look on it and am pleased. I hate it like you do."

and I understood better, God's heart. This heart that I want to understand. This heart I want to seek after for my entire life so that my heart is like His heart.

Last Sunday, it came again. once more. roaring questions like before.

"Why accidents? why house fires? clutched lungs? You have control over those! Why do babies die? Why the three deaths on Bennett in the last few years? why cancer?"

I stood behind Mrs. N during church that morning. completely unaware of what God was setting up. Last year her son died in a tragic car accident - and just a few weeks ago, it had been a year, and her other son crumbled on my couch in grief for his brother. The tattoo of his brother initials on his wrist, his vein pulsing, his eyes crunched together.

Mrs. N stood with her hands outstretched to her Lord in complete adoration and worship. in surrender. in love. in devotion to the God she submits to, and I felt God answer me

"I gave up my son too Chelsea. To benefit you. And even though her son was taken, she, in the end, gave him to me. She did not hold him back. She surrendered him to me."

I just wanted to share that.

This is a verse God shared with me since as well:

"Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of His saints." -Ps. 116:15

remembering Kathy December 2008

2011-07-22T17:03:00.002-04:00

1. 6am.
i came up behind you you tiny woman
our Fathers face combing over the woods
your face wept at the end of the long dirt driveway
the road to a shambled home with rotting wood
a foundation you had tried to repair all these years without once picking up a hammer or
purchasing new wood.

your children are lost, you told me.

2. 2007

the cancer put his fingernails in you again
taking your appetite and your strength and your frame but
I had never seen you so happy as you talked about forever

they had tried to pray over your body
you had let them and asked them to, all the while hoping that
you wouldn't heal unless it could heal the remains of the cancer in your family
when you spoke I felt full and strong
and I still do when I think of you

3. Dec. 2008
I touched the ivory and wrote you a song because

4.
you died yesterday at Jamie's house
and I am so happy for you.

5.
I missed your funeral and I don't even know if your husband (ex) was there
he used to pull up with long pieces of venison for us in his red pick-up truck
he was quiet and violent and lonely which was his choice

Jamie used to come for tea parties until one day I realized that I was too young for her friendship
and I never asked her back

I remember Nicki, the eldest. American-Indian-like in her face with straight dark hair
and eyes that held things she never said.

Kip used to waste hours of his anger disturbing the peace on summer days in his dirt-bike

the hands we used to bail hay with at golden hour until the trailers were empty and the machine was turned off, barn's stomach full

we felt accomplished and lovely, small pieces of hay poking at our knees
long sleeves in July
I remember sitting on Grandma Heemstra's lap and her voice was kind and I felt nothing but comfort near her

6. 2011
Helen has built a home on your land now and hopes you are watching - she is calling it Redemption
we do not know where Gary is, he was in Montana for awhile and I know he paints
he is still lonely and violent and afraid of himself I am sure

does Jamie still dance?
are you watching us?

surrender.

2011-07-14T16:12:00.003-04:00

I felt Papa's

"yes"

again today as I laid on the beach
the kind of yes that is really from Him.
The kind that comes without rationalizing,
the kind that just comes.

you know what I mean.

I said, "Okay Papa"
and felt peace and
then soon after jumped to my questions, my fears

"But Papa, what about THIS and
what about THIS?"

and as I sprayed off the beach chairs with purifying water, He reminded,

"if I have said yes,
and I know all,
I also have a plan for your "What-abouts", Chelsea.
Trust me."

And there. I laid them down.
as I did before.
placing my anxieties one by one in His Father Hands.

(This is the passage for my life right now)

2 Cor 10:5 - "Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ."

And he continues to speak as I slow down my mess of thoughts so as to obey

each small thought captive and set like gold (as best I can)
to the obedience of Christ.

(This is His refining work in my life.)

2011-07-13T18:42:00.002-04:00

I've been away now for a week and a half and God has come with me

I have found a few pieces of Him that are missing to the gigantic puzzle I will never find all the pieces to, but God help me. I will try.

I have been living in a mess the last few years. honestly. a mess of anxiety. I've experienced depression. sadness. self-righteousness. gladness. I've experienced forcing myself out of bed and to the coffee maker so that I could distract myself from thoughts that are crippling. I don't know if you have experienced this, but people do. and as God moves me forward, past them, into fullness and wholeness, God will be glorified. He already is. And yet I must be honest about who I am, who I've been - because I want you to see God in my life.

and God promises me something still.
that tomorrow is hopeful.
that I am chosen.

You wanna know what pieces I found this week? that I have self control. I have accepted Christ and therefore He has given me the spirit of God. The spirit of God gives me the ability to have self control.

I have control over thoughts that produce emotions that produce behavior. when I am in the light, when I think truth, I am free.

truth sets us free.

I have control over anger, bitterness, resentment - I have a will that overcomes emotions. my emotions must submit to my will. I didn't know that before.

God can heal damaged emotions.

I'm weak. I must admit it, because every single day I am at God's mercy.

I used to think that this wasn't a good thing. I used to think it was good to be independent and strong. which it is. but not at the expense of not needing Jesus.

and so I think that is why he broke me.

I deal with fear just like other people do - maybe I have experienced it in a way other people haven't. Maybe I grew up in a church with crippling legalism that leaves my conscience at times guilt-ridden instead of free. Maybe I had a bad boyfriend when I was young that was emotionally abusive. Maybe that is part of my story - part of the great picture and testimony and person God is producing. HIS handiwork.

I asked Him this morning, "God I ask you to do YOUR work in me, don't let it be my work in myself." - because when I try to fix my mess, it gets worse. when I let go of it in God's faithful arms, He comes through.

Maybe these weak things will make me strong - only in Christ.

we are a people fighting for the prize of the upward call - boxing not to just beat the air.

and Christ will overcome. Heal. take apart the pieces of me that I do not understand. sometimes I feel lost, I know you have seen that part of me. But that weak part also shows Jesus, because I, in myself, cannot even breathe - and Jesus wakes me up every morning, and promises that there are good things He has ahead.

I believe that.
I've seen small fragments of it.

I have a small faith, but all we need is a mustard seed.

2011-06-27T21:50:00.002-04:00

Mom and I were talking earlier this week about anxiety, something I struggle with... something I must contend and fight with daily, to dwell on what is real and true and right and lovely...

she said something to me that was helpful, she said, Chels, maybe this is a thorn in your flesh, something you will have to fight for your life - (in reference to Paul's thorn, the very thing that made him weak made him rely heavily on his Christ.) - Something that also refines us and makes us more like Christ - perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. I hope this encourages you in whatever may be your constant battle! May you find victory in letting God overcome in with His strength, not your own.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

"2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." - James 1:2-4

2011-06-18T14:06:00.003-04:00

God's truth changes us.

but sometimes.

it is a slow leak.

I often question the things God says and find my faith to be so small when I choose faith over what I last knew.

I thought once that when you know truth it would just be like you woke up one day and you'd be different, but that is not the case. our minds create pathways as we grow according to the things that we believe, and the things that we believe are like very well worn paths - to change the path, to make a new path, it must be walked, over and over and over again before that one looks and feels more convincing than the other one. That is why it is faith. that is why faith is hard at times. it doesn't feel normal to walk off the beaten path.

so, its a slow leak. a continual walk. a constant dripping that puts an imprint in the stone (that quote that sits on the Smith's chalkboard)
a soft wave that slowly slowly slowly softens the edges of a jagged rock
a constant going back to what may feel uncomfortable and unreal.

things happen in our lives that cause us to question the new pathway. (at least, thats often how it goes in my life) its so easy to look at the old way, the old way of thinking and wonder if we are just confused? that maybe this way isn't real. our minds question question question God and His truth until we resolve it - our minds are powerful.

Max said something yesterday, about real faith and how it is often accompanied by unbelief.

that is why faith is a choice - to trust God and act without knowing the outcome. It is usually not the safe way. Safe is to go along with what was always told, or to go with the crowd... or to go with hopelessness when God says

there is HOPE.

Romans 8:38-39

2011-06-17T19:07:00.001-04:00

"for I am SURE that neither
life.
death.
angels.
rulers.
things present.
things to come.
powers.
nor height.
not depth.
ANYTHING ELSE IN ALL OF CREATION
will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our LORD.

God's love is my wealth

2011-06-15T20:17:00.004-04:00

something bred this conversation tonight, one of old foundations that were built at an early age, foundations that brought shame and fear into my concept of God

am i thankful for that? I have to be. Because God promises that it will bring good.

conversations like tonight shake up my baby faith that I feel has just recently grasped on with both hands even if it is just the tips of my fingers to what the gospel is, what this love of God is that is wide and deep and long and that cannot be broken and it is what I want to become my breath what I want to believe in as I interact with each person and see and hope that this love transforms my heart and my mind, each delicate thought toward each soul that was created by God's own hands

Could you pray? I have someone in my life who is wonderful, full of wisdom, and yet, I think at times still afraid. Afraid that perhaps God will not accept them at the end of the age. Afraid that they aren't chosen by God. and at times these fears are put out there for all to see and hear, and placed on us. and I must fight those same fears.

I have worked through this, I have done my time in this same fear, and come to the resolve that that is not the way that we were meant to live and that is not a God that I want to serve. More importantly, That is not what I find in the word. That is not the gospel of Christ, the one that we are called to cling to. I specifically remember someone telling me once, that, "you cannot love someone that you fear." and it stuck with me. Because, I have been afraid of God my entire life. Afraid of his disgruntled attitude toward me. Afraid that I am not enough to "get in." Afraid because that was my concept of Him.

It does not make me angry anymore. it used to. it now makes me have compassion for one who believes that.

it makes me afraid at times, that perhaps it's right. perhaps I do have to fear enough to stay in God's graces, but that too is not biblical.

so, I have surrendered. I have decided, and loved, and fallen onto the grace of the gospel of God - the only thing in the entire world, the only thing that I know that can give me peace. that no matter what, no matter who I have been, it is JESUS CHRIST and being HIDDEN in Him that can save me.

HIS MERCIES ARE NEW EVERY MORNING.

HIS LOVE ENDURES FOREVER.

HE DOES NOT WISH ANYONE TO PERISH.

HOW WOULD HE, WHO DID NOT EVEN SPARE HIS SON NOT GIVE ALL THINGS TO HIS PEOPLE?

in Him all of my sin is washed clean and I appear spotless before my Savior. When I am afraid, I will put my trust in that. Fear not, for He is with me. sometimes those old fears creep up, that perhaps the gospel is not enough, perhaps it is not enough that God would send His Son, perhaps I will screw this up yet and be rejected by God.

But then I have to remember, that is not biblical. that is not the God I serve. I am so sinful that God had to send his very Son into this world to die in order to cover up my sin, and yet I am so loved that He was willing to lose His Son, to let Him die and go through that to call ME daughter.

So, I ask that you pray for this person who is afraid. Pray for revelation. and I ask that you fall headlong into the grace of God, the only thing we have to cling to! AND IT IS FREEDOM!

I'm no longer thankful.

2011-06-10T15:54:00.004-04:00

just kidding.

But, no seriously, June 9th completed my month of continually posting on here about the thankfulness that God has put in my heart.

believe it not, I really have felt God move and work in my heart as I have obediently rejoiced daily (give or take a few days in there)

in the last few weeks I have felt more of a consistent lightness in my soul, which has to do with a lot of things, but I am going to give up most of the credit to obedience, something that Rod has said, is God's love language.

and God commands thankfulness and praise.

SO. I have started another blog (click HERE to access it.) specifically for this purpose. I will not be posting daily, but I want to continue to practice faithfulness and thankfulness in this area, because Jesus deserves it.

A verse that I read last night:

" I will give thanks to the LORD with my WHOLE heart, I will RECOUNT ALL OF YOUR WONDERFUL DEEDS." - Psalms 9:1

2011-06-09T21:49:00.003-04:00

1. josiah and jessica bickering like cute old married people

2. encouraging text messages from cute man: M.G.

3. hope for people who are doubting. Titus.

4. Having the ability to encourage a struggling friend and knowing she will encourage me when I am struggling.

5. tips.

6. thankful people who rub off thankfulness

7. the nickyname boo.

Thank you.

2011-06-08T14:48:00.002-04:00

1. freedom from facebook. sorry folks, but I love it. :)

2. freshly waxed nostrils. (seriously, never knew Id ever have those.)

3. Coffee with Max Garter. So thankful for his level head and the desire to be in the world and not of it, and the way he struggles daily to live for God here. Because of the struggle, He will succeed.

4. Thai with Jessica Bryson, sending her off with love and excited to see how God will continue her journey! (thankfulness for her!)

5. "Do not worry about tomorrow, for today has enough to worry about" Peace in not looking ahead to far, and seeing todays troubles as enough to carry on my shoulders.

6. Josiah's guitar skills and the way they and his voice fill the house daily (with Sarah on the piano.)

7. flowers.

Thank you.

2011-06-06T21:45:00.002-04:00

1. rice and beans.

2. grumpy men who want their hair shampooed twice for a double scalp massage which he didn't get because he wasn't supposed to and he didn't say it and then he complained. somehow, I like him anyway.

3. early quick run-walk-runs - (not much of a runner.)

4. Mom in the kitchen, clanging pots and pans.

5. April Burt, and the freedom God has given to her. God you are GOOD!

6. Tammy D. miss her butt.

7. Talitha Vos coming to visit this weekend!! WOOT!!

Thank you.

2011-06-03T14:12:00.004-04:00

I've had a hard time getting to a computer this busy week... so here is a longer list of what Ive been thankful for these last 5 days...

1. Sunshine, and the tell-tale sign of it on my skin.

2. The restful memorial day, a day that I felt so at rest and loved and well cared for by God and the people He's put in my life.

3. Chit-chatting under the covers with Jana, like we used to do in High School

4. Trust: That God does know where and who I will be living with in the fall, and the lesson of waiting even when I am clueless.

5. Max Garter. A man that I am learning to trust. A man of integrity. A man worthy. A man called. A man that is patient with me.

6. Josiah Gentry's heart. He's graduating tonight!

7. A wonderful job!! a place I am called to be! trust that God will lead me daily from here!

8. A hardworking Mom- a Godly example and inspiration of what God looks like in a woman!

9. Green grass, fields, stuff coming up out of the ground... :)

10. learning.

Thank you.

2011-05-28T15:23:00.002-04:00

1. Jessica Bryson. God I just praise you for her testimony and the light you have put on inside of her. I thank you for what you are calling her to. I thank you for what you have begun in her and what you promise to finish.

2. blow-drying hair. never thought I'd be thankful for that.

3. very specific waxing procedure instructions. I'm gonna try to become the best waxer ever. or something like that.

4. God's answered prayer (and ways i have seen him moving after I ask... Faith builders.)

5. the sound of lawn mowers - which means, summer is almost here.

6. plans for the future that are good and hopeful and prosperous. promised.

7. family.

Thank you Jesus for:

2011-05-27T14:17:00.003-04:00

1. sleep. rest.

2. living life one day at a time.

3. Jess is coming home tonight!

4. hard-boiled eggs.

5. people.

6. K10's heart. (and her truth spoken in her blog)
"The idea of the "soul mate" does not appear anywhere in the Bible. Not once. God did not create a man specifically for the purpose of making me happy. Relationships, therefore, have nothing to do with "destiny" or our romantic, americanized notions of "the one." It's about making the choice to love each other as Christ loves. That's it."

i dont know what day it is.

2011-05-26T22:02:00.002-04:00

1. a 12 hour day that went really well.

2. a job that I love.

3. caring for this dog.

4. Earrings that were repaired by the hands of Max Garter.

5. Max Garter's hands.

6. Conflict. Communication. it actually can be good for something.

7. Trusting that all of this will be worked for good.

2011-05-25T11:07:00.002-04:00

1. laundry machines. seriously. who doesn't take them for granted?

2. the rain keeps fallin on my head. just keeps falling on my head.

3. Kristen Doornbos who is so precious and wonderful and amazing and who God has in His palm and knows every detail about and knows what is ahead and behind her.

4. God's promise to us this morning,

"How precious is your STEADFAST love (there's that word again), O God! The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of your wings. They feast in the abundance of your house and you give them drink from the river of your delights." -Psalm 36:7-8

5. giving haircuts.

6. Nezzer.

2011-05-23T21:37:00.000-04:00

Thank you. day...12?

2011-05-23T21:14:00.002-04:00

1. that I found my parents tonight, sitting together in the living room drinking decaf coffee with no lights on. they like each other more now than they ever have, I think.

2. sun. rain. sun. rain. this bipolar weather that I have come to love.

3. realizing that tho I always think I'd be more content elsewhere, really, I dont think I can think of anywhere else I have ever been that the grass was greener. so. thank you Jesus for where I am.

4. my job. which I love. the girls which I am learning to love.

5. that I'm feeling really ready to quit facebook these days.

6. bangs.chops.beards.

Thank you.

2011-05-22T22:17:00.003-04:00

1. the unconditional, never-ending love of my Heavenly Father. Letting this infect me through and through.

2. Half eaten apples before bed.

3. Listening to the conversation on eternal things between my mother and hers.

3. seeing, learning, realizing that because God has created me and designed me specifically, I, no longer have to compare myself, my life to others, and that I must be what God has created me to be, along side of the missionaries, the rich, the poor, the hairdressers.

4. Jesh.

5. that we are a work in progress, we dont have to be a tree yet if we are a small plant. God loves us where we are at.

2011-05-21T15:51:00.003-04:00

found this small piece of paper, folded, in the back of a book this morning, something I wrote awhile back. It is exactly as it was written. and you were included.

This morning as I sat in the Westside Smith House of Prayer I looked out and began to pray and I said God I know know how to pray for the orphan, the unborn, and purity

and He took scissors and cut the state of Michigan and put a small star on Grand Rapids and said Chelsea, pray for the welfare, the peace of this city b.c in its peace you will find peace (Jer. 29) and so I prayed for a rise in the hearts of this people to begin to burn for the orphan that GR may not be known as the bible belt but as the city of light -- the city on a hill -- a people whose hearts are so full of Jesus there is no room for sexual impurity -- so full of Jesus that the orphans begin to be included around the table of our families -- so full of Jesus that the abortion clinics feel they must close b.c they finally hear the heartbeat of the little ones in the womb -- and I pray that Grand Rapids climbs from the womb again and is reborn. -- I see these hands, these voices in this small room,

Max, with his large knit socks painting his doorway yellow so that the city knows it is a place of refuge, of light
hockey sticks, and longboards are turned into evangelism tools (who said this city isn't in revival)
I hear Charla's voice exit her small window that is painted open and from it praise is leaked into the streets --
There is a candle lit on the Westside.

Derek weeps for the college/highschool while Stef and Meg for the Foster children.

There is Chelsea, who brings beauty to the homeless, the poor, the children, the rich of the Stockbridge area and Andrew just wants to understand so he can teach and Marcy feels called to teach this city to have a restful passion and Kevin shows Fathers without speaking a word what the love of God as Father looks like as he ruffles Braydens hair or encourages Sawyer -- Tony strokes his beard and laughs with his eyes closed while Viv is hugged on his middle and you catch him walking with the Prior, DanMike who coaches the interns into oneness.

I see Revival.

As if our voices can be restored, our hands made new -- let us begin with this city and let the gossip be that Jesus lives

2011-05-21T10:57:00.002-04:00

1. Mom.

2. Someone who asks me to be myself. even if its yucky.

3. Sister: Jessica Swore.

4. Jessica Bryson is coming home in a WEEK!!!!

5. the coffee grinder is going offf.... that means... coffeeeee

6. Honesty.

7. Babies in bellies of beautiful woman who will raise beautiful babies.

8. the color blue. :)

Thank you Jesus. Day10.

2011-05-18T11:23:00.001-04:00

1. Fresh Coffee in the morning.

2. Understanding why.

3. My niece Kitri waking me up in the morning and pouncing on me in bed.

4. Sarah Dickinson's calm spirit and visit in the middle of the day.

5. The downcast weather and a uplifted spirit.

6. 1 John.

day 9.

2011-05-17T21:05:00.002-04:00

Thank you Jesus:

1. The colors of summer and spring, the sky is bright and the fields are green.

2. waxing eyebrows that are shannon-approved. :)

3. Black beans, ckn, rice, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese (Marc, we need to plan a meal soon.)

Day 8.

2011-05-16T13:28:00.002-04:00

Thank you God for:

1. A "Ninth Bridge" Mocha @ nine am. Quality Coffee thanks to Emily Hauschild. (GO SEE HER IF YOU ARE IN ADA!)

2. That my value, my significance really is in God and not in man or what I do with my hands. He love me.

3. Gail's encouraging notes every Monday. Makes me excited to clean her house.

4. Sunshine shining on my face (reminds me and you of who it is that we are in this world!)

5. Vitamins. running shoes. quality H2O. 1st and 2nd Peter. (essentials to a healthy life)

6. The much missed Tammy Dykstra.

7. Thankful God that the things you have called me to are the things that make my heart ALIVE! FREE! JOYFUL! You have designed me to love that which you have put in my heart. You have commanded me to love you through them - and that makes me happy.

Thankful, Day 6. day 7.

2011-05-15T23:07:00.002-04:00

Day 6. Today I am thankful for:

1. Shannon

2. Pink Gerber Daisies that are still a live. Coconut and tortilla talapia. books on heaven in Starbucks. Denise Garter's favorite el vino blanco, jazz music, asparagus, and good dancing partners while the water boils.

3. Emily Hauschild.

4. Pure, real, rich, undefiled love.

5. farting. (especially when its loud and proud.)

Day 7. God today I am thankful for:

1.

protection = safety = without harm = a Godly man in my life who wants this for me. Growing closer to him as I learn that I can lean on him and he wont fall over.

2. Shae. a beautiful face that I am getting used to seeing at Crossroads Bible, a quiet, lovely, Jesus-like radiance that she displays so gracefully.

3. Encouragement to encourage.

4. Getting my hands in some wonderful hair while in conversation with some of my most favorite people reminiscing of Byron Center days with Ally Sue and Marcy.

5. The week ahead.

Dear Pepper.

2011-05-13T14:30:00.002-04:00

Remember when we met? you had those big bangs and that big personality. that readiness for the world. do you understand that you are different from most people? set apart, I'd say. God has given you a calling that your shoes, your skin, your eyes, you only specifically fill. And, he will bring those things to completion. He will bring your legs into them. They are not something you will have to fight for to find to accomplish. You were intentionally designed for them and they are designed for you.

You are like Jasmine on Aladdin. I have told you this before. You're beautiful. When you walk in a room, dang its like a firework or an explosion that is appealing. It has been hard sometimes (it is still hard sometimes and in that I humble myself and say that I'm sorry) because sometimes you are so wonderful in a room that I can feel small. (That is my fault and something that Jesus speaks to me about.) But I must remember in those times, in my insecurity, that my value is not based on being seen, on being known, but on who Christ has made me to be, and it is then that you, my friend, you, I get to love in all of your glory that produces glory to God. Because you're so beautiful Jana. You, I get to watch a long with the others as if I did not previously know you, as if I am experiencing you for the first time. And I can watch and applaud as well. Like the first time I met you.

I love to watch you live out your dreams. do you know that God has recently taught me something through you? SO! I have to share! :) You are faithful, Pepper, to live out your dreams in the capacity that you can. You don't give a rip if its just YouTube, Dog-gone-it, God has given you a desire for food, for people, for performance, and you are going to have that darn cooking show. You're going to write. You're going to have a baby if its in your heart to do it. You're going to sing. (For Him!) I see your talents, even though you always call them baby, I dont think that God calls them or sees them as baby talents, I think He sees them on a very large scale. He compares them to no one else because you are doing them to the best of your ability, in excellence, and He is so pleased! like a Daddy watching His Son play a sport. You make God smile.

You have taught me something, Jasmine. You have taught me that the heart that God's given you, those things that you love? they are enough. You don't have to press past them. You allow new things to bloom when God plants seeds, but you don't pretend to love washing dishes and be good at cooking until it comes, like a new dream or whisper, and when it does, When God presents it to you like a gift, you take it on well. Not like a duty or a burden. I love you for your honesty. your straight-up-ness.

You are like Jazz. Jazz music. you are dynamic. You inspire me. And to have a friend like you is like owning a field of good produce, or, a vineyard of wine that will last me a lifetime cause someday, those rocking chairs are coming out and you'll have dark skin and gray hair and I'll probably be fat and it will be you and me, and you'll probably still tell everyone that I'm so hot and that all the boys like me and you'll probably still yell at boys for checking me out in the mall (we'll probably be mall walkers, eh?) It will just be you and I, we've always said that, we just know it. Can't wait to spend all of eternity with you J.

So, this has been on my heart to write, to bless you, to inspire you. So:

Blessings on your talents, your hands and your heart. May God make them produce more so that He can be glorified through His daughter.. you... Jana Kay.

love you,
Salt.

Day 5. Thank you Jesus

2011-05-13T14:13:00.005-04:00

thank you for:

1. the knowledge that God is in the small things... conflict can be used for growth. hesitancy toward something, can be Him saying, "wait, listen, reflect, I have something else for you..." or, "let me teach you something through this."

2. Grief, even grief, can be redeemed into beauty. (praying for Charity and the girls today on another short run.)

3. running with a dog!!!! (even if it only lasts a few days) and him following me around EVERYWHERE. I love this.

4. the birds chirping on this sunshiney day.

5. breaking the rule. going to McDonalds today (Big Mac's are the best) with Dad and Grandpa and watching Jesh working behind the counter. (proud of him! He is a hard worker and God has good things ahead for him!)

6. those wind-chimes which always seem to start going off when I start writing praises.

7. confirmations. Knowings that those things that God has laid on my heart, these are the things that God wants us to live out and do well for Him! He loves to see us a live! (A good example of this and someone who has taught me this is my wonderful friend Talitha! Her blog can be found on the right of my screen under, "the heart of a teenage bride"

8. I am thankful because I actually feel thankful and this is something I was praying for!

Yesterdays Praises: (I was not home)
Thank you Jesus for :
1. the great beautiful long drive down Pettis to work when I go
2. long walks with studly Max Garter, Emily Nicholson, and jay (ok, James) Deeren
3. the dog. that slept all night long. good and hard. no whining at all.
4. really loud fans to sleep to.
5. coffee in the morning.

Thank you, day 3.

2011-05-11T12:57:00.003-04:00

Thank you God, for:

1. fresh cut flowers. even if they are dandy-lions that kitri hand picked this morning.

2. watching Mom work in the garden this morning. kitri "helping" and then spraying herself in the face with the hose!!! SO FUNNY! SORRY!

3. the fact that my worth and my identity are not in what I do, but in who God says that I am. no matter how I feel about myself, does not change the truth of what is and how God sees me. (child, adopted, precious, chosen, beautiful, royal) God help me understand this more!

4. a one mile run. so what if its only one mile?

5. waking up to a lot of people in the house.

6. Jessica Swore's good morning kiss. while I hid.

7. sleeping in.

8. The book of James.

day 2.

2011-05-10T19:22:00.004-04:00

1.reconciliation. even if it is just small glimpses of the picture God is going to bring about.

2.great first day at work and constant reminders from family and friends that who you are is what they will love.

3. eating eggs with Mom. with cilantro on top.

4. the wind-chimes, again.

5. the after work nap. with a friend who likes puppies and giving me string cheese.

6. string cheese.

7. this word, for today:

Beloved, I not only accept you as you are, I LOVE YOU AS YOU ARE! I died a criminals death so I could adorn you with My own perfection. That's why bringing your thoughts to Me is so important: It is My perfect righteousness that saves you, and it will never be taken away from you!

You can easily fall prey to self rejection if you have unrealistic expectations for yourself. I want you to bring your focus back to Me gently: WITHOUT judging yourself. If you express disappointment about your wandering mind, that response will only distract you further. Instead of engaging in such hurtful activity- putting yourself down- persist in returning your attention to Me. I always welcome you back with unfailing LOVE

(now its your turn. write your thank you down somewhere.)

Project #1.

2011-05-09T18:16:00.006-04:00

For the next month, (so until June 9th) I want to post praise. Gratitude. thanks.

Reason #1. God says in Psalms that this is a way that you can offer a sacrifice to Him, a sacrifice of thanksgiving. So. I will sacrifice these moments to praise my Father. My God. My Jesus. I hope it will teach me to worship, even when I do not feel it. It smells good to Him.

Reason #2. Max and I have been talking about it (gratitude) a lot lately. and I don't just want to talk about it, I want to do it.

Reason #3. yesterday during worship I felt like God spoke to me during this stanza: "with all creation I sing, praise to the king of kings, you are my everything, and I will adore you." - creation was created to glorify God. the trees were created with their arms up, and I feel like God shared with me, "and so I have created you, to praise me, but I have given you a will to choose to praise me or not, to join in."

So, God, I praise you.

1. for todays sunshine, which reminds me that God created us to shine for Him. to be light.

2. the wind-chimes that I hear now.

3. laying on the grass in the sun this morning with a very good looking man. praying with him there.

4. that God promises to redeem the broken parts of our hearts. to make all things new. and that I can see places he has pruned and healed in the last year, even when I still feel like a mess now. (he will be faithful.)

5. God's love that is STEADFAST - "dutifully firm, and unwavering." and that that is enough.

6. For a job that starts tomorrow that is without a doubt fully from you! God I dont know what you ahve for me there but I accept it as a gift and I cannot wait to find out what your purposes are. YOU are good. YOU have brought me to this specific place by design, and I praise you for it. I accept where I am in life and I thank you for it!

2011-05-06T15:28:00.001-04:00

expect nothing of others. expect everything from God.

for He is willing and able to accomplish more than we can imagine or think.

expectations

2011-05-04T10:00:00.002-04:00

a friend said it well... and I wanted to share it. especially the part about expectation, which I feel God has been whispering at me lately.

"

the thing about dreams is that they become so detailed in your head. You grow and dream about and wish for life as you want it, life as you expect it. You get specific and detailed on how you hope things to fall.

And then life happens in all of its glorious calamity. You end up with a tornado coming through your backyard and nothing happens that even closely resembled what you had planned.

I am learning about expectation. I think it is best to expect nothing. Not in some dire and miserable way, but in a hopeful way. To let go of the constructs of my future that I so painstakingly built in exchange for what is in my life today. My life is not what I wanted, but God is still good.

Dammit that sounds so cliche.

hope today is a wellspring inside. It splashes up into my heart and reminds me that I cannot imagine the end of my story. I have to remember that the pile of dust in my chest isn't hopeless. the only thing better than being born, is being (re)born.

" - M.

2011-05-02T10:37:00.003-04:00

woke this morning to these words

"The joy of the Lord is my strength."

it is when we start daring to believe that HE REJOICES OVER US
that our ashes turn into beauty.

2011-04-21T13:51:00.003-04:00

I was encouraged most yesterday by the man who prayed so honestly,
"GOD THIS SUCKS! I don't get it! I do not understand. AND YET I trust you! and I ask for your care and your protection over the Taatjes family."

Because it's how I feel often. and how I want to learn to pray better. Because so often I feel like we must hold our insides tight together instead of letting them spill out, and we must be grateful and rejoice in all things even when we do not feel it. I believe that. I believe that we are not to wallow in self pity or in our feelings of "suckiness." But I do believe we must say all of it. outloud. to God. and then let Him repair our desperate weak frame- and there will be scars, there will be scars. But, He will seal them with needle and thread and shine through our broken hearts.

"He is near to the brokenhearted. He holds our tears in a bottle. He hears when we cry out." - Psalms.

Post from 2 years ago

2011-04-19T09:27:00.000-04:00

Dear tiny bud,

it is not yet spring and yet you have been trying to pull open the little bell that is still closed around it's fragrance. Stop doing that. You will open in time. it is not yet time. I have appointed a time. Just because the spring has not yet arrived and laid it's song in you, just because it is not warm enough yet for your branch which I have placed you on to nourish and move you to be more to be open and different then you are does not mean there is a problem with your bud. It is not yet spring. You will open i the spring. You are a garden locked up, and I cannot wait to show you what will happen when you are awakened. Be still, tiny bud. Be still. Be as you are. Do not fear. Do not worry. You are beautiful, and small, and a tiny tiny thing. I have big hands. I can whisper to tree. I am the tree. I have planted the roots. I am the soil.

I saw a caterpillar once that looked very much like you and it has turned into a small cocoon. I heard him grieving his form, all shriveled and gel-like. He had heard the powerful voice of relatives that had told tales of becoming something else beyond the cocoon, so loud and beautiful in their wings. You have seen them yourself, vibrant and vast and in flight. but the caterpillar had never felt the wind in it's wings and never looked in a mirror and seen himself so beautiful and ... so at times, just some days, some seasons, it was very hard to believe it would ever happen. Do not fear. Do not worry. You have not been given fear and worry. Your Father knows what you need even before you say the words. Be still, and know, the Gardener is near you tiny bud. Be a bud. Be a bud. Wait. Shh.

The Gardener

Derek Taatjes

2011-04-15T13:28:00.005-04:00

somethings are distracting during worship. but this wasn't.
people knew who you were talking about when you described the tall man with long stretching arms in the front row. it's one of the first things I remember about Crossroads.

I remember most of his messages. they were sincere and bold and he talked a lot about repentance and forgiveness and I remember meeting with Jesus during one of the college retreats where he encouraged us to get on our face and remember who God was. It was as if God was huge and large and filling the room, and yet, Jesus was standing right there in front of me. He lived the things he spoke about. there were countless stories of how he constantly found himself on his knees and then humbled himself before his wife asking for forgiveness. I still have the notes of a message he gave about marriage. He told us that never once did Charity have to get up from the living room to get her own drink from the kitchen, never once did she have to empty the trash, because Derek wanted to be a servant. And that He was. And she spoke about submission to this zealous passionate man - she spoke about it with love in her eyes and she spoke of the word as if it meant the same thing as safety, not duty. Because He was safe to her because of his love for God. I have in my notes from that sermon that like Christ lives to intercede, so he wanted to do for Charity - so he wanted to Cherish God's daughter. Life Long. He said. And now his life has ended and He has moved into a place Ephesians calls, "far better." His advice to us was, "BLAZE." to "blaze after God."

I remember his message a few summers ago on Psalm 34:1 (NASB, of course) -
"I will bless the Lord at all times
His praise shall continually be in my mouth."

He spoke of how their family had gone through some tragedy, and how Charity's Father got up in the funeral of His son to say this verse. And it hit me today. Now, we must say that about Derek. And now Derek does praise the Lord at all times.

I remember Him making his way to our table at Rose's on Valentines Day with his arm around His wife. He asked intensely (the only way he knew how to ask, with passion and zeal and direct eye contact) if Max and I were in love. Charity stood next to Him, with Dylan's dinner on a small part of the front of her dress, smiling. watching him. I asked them both what the key to success in their marraige was, and he said, Repentance and Forgiveness. And she kept smiling.

Some say that Derek was intense. Other raved about His teaching and couldn't stop talking about all they learned. God sent that man with a message. God sent that man to our youth, (to our church, how priviledged we were for God to send Him to us) to speak. And Derek was faithful with the message God placed on His heart no matter how radical it seemed. And now he has joined the great cloud of witnesses to encourage us on to follow our God. to love Him and serve Him well. I cry as I write this. Partly for sadness for his family, partly for joy that He is now with Jesus, partly for jealousy that he beat me there. :)

You will be missed Derek.
Thank you for your faithfulness.

love

2011-04-12T17:06:00.002-04:00

the love one naturally has toward himself is commanded to be directed towards others - Matt 22

'

(I do not say these things because I know how to do them
I say them because everyday is a fight to achieve them
and I want people to know that this is what my fight is,
and if it is your fight too, you are not a lone.)

His strength

2011-04-11T16:12:00.007-04:00

I have learned in the last year what God meant when he said, "in your weakness, I am strong." I didn't get it before.

I may always be like a child, relearning how to walk - there is a verse in Deut. where He describes this, holding us between his shoulders, holding us up so we can walk. Maybe that is why He lets us stumble so frequently. "When you fall, you will not be hurled headlong, for the Lord is the one who lifts you up." -Psalms - He wants us to see Him as the great Father that we never have to stop coming under for care and refuge.

God will be faithful, if you are listening, to remind you that

"I am your Father, of course I will care for you."

I am learning to trust that voice that I heard so long ago on the bus on my way to Grand Valley.

I will not give up. ever.

sometimes in moments when I look at my life and wonder why God stops me to corral my thoughts. He brings my mind back into a place of truth. Because where your mind goes, the man follows. (Proverbs) Because only when my mind knows truth i can be set free. Feelings cannot set me free, and I am learning and am going to continue to learn how to not walk by them. or let them effect me so much. HIS WORD is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path and

by HIS WORD transforming and renewing my mind I will know HIS GOOD PLEASING AND PERFECT WILL (rom 12)

and how to love my neighbor
how to be peaceful in all situations
how to keep no record of wrongs
how to be a Mom, a wife someday
how to learn to respect and honor a man
how to hold my hands open and hold loosely my relationships
how to be a friend that loves at all times
how to give my brother to my Father God
how to have a good attitude when I do not FEEL IT

in my weakness of all these things, He becomes strong in my life - HE TAKES OVER. it is a battle, but God will conquer and Master the sin in me as I give my will over to Him and He will faithfully use each situation for making me more like Jesus

my Dad reminds me, each situation is "in God's hands and in God's control" - HE will use each situation to make us more like His Son. and God calls this the "good" that He has for us who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

Maybe you do not often feel like a reflection of Him. But, listen closer. Sometimes, God will allow someone to come into your life to remind you that even though you may know the yuck and the struggle within, He, despite you, is still being successful through you. It isn't about you. You are a tool that God uses to move on this earth to build his kingdom. It isn't about me.

In your weakness, He is strong.

Ps. (please! Check out these blogs on the right, because they are filled with truth about who God is and journeys of people who God is leading to build His Kingdom! also, some very delicious recipes... spinach smooooothies!! GEE WIZ. seriously, read!)

oh, plum pie.

2011-04-09T09:24:00.004-04:00

I was remembering with a friend last night how our friendship was built.

it started small, she felt small and I felt large and important and wise and I was proud and somehow she trusted me

and that is how it started. but we didn't become close until I felt weak and small and until she became a person that I could lean on in a time when I felt I had barely anyone else. Thats how God destroys pride, but showing us we are helpless and that our hands are empty of the tools we so long trust in. It was in this time that God revealed who she was to me. That she was intended to be a friend to me. On purpose. That this was God's quilt. And I remember the day still, after we traveled, after we dreamed, and painted and quilted - I remember when God showed me that this was a lifelong friendship. and it made me glad.

She is like a small tree (small being a good thing) that has become large and abundant in fruit, I have felt myself learn more from her than most people. because she wants to be small. she doesn't want her songs to become more. I feel grateful, so, so grateful that God let me discover this friend. this quiet person that to me is not quiet at all. (remember when you taught me how to listen? I didn't like it, but I learned.)

God places people in our lives for us to learn from - however they appear at the beginning. they are so specific to you and your heart and to what God intends to do in you. The homeless man on your porch, God has multiple lessons. The Airbrush painter in your car. your son. The two ladies who eat our muffins. those two friends who speak truth that you dont always want to hear, but you must. :) The drug addict next door. the alcoholic in your house. your Mother. Let them be your teachers. They are part of the quilt God is making of your life.

this friend that I speak of *you know who you are* - I want to learn from her, as we all should from each other. her humble, giving, generous, beautiful, meek spirit speaks to me.

she is not perfect. But she is specific. and becoming. and ahead of me in so many ways. and I am grateful too know that I am also specific to her - God has placed me here in her life for a reason, one I do not know of. (remember when we cried on the bathroom floor and laughed and snotted out all over the place?)

and today because of her constant desire to serve and give and be small for the Lord, I see her as a very large influence, loud for the Lord. (Thank you, Plum)

2011-04-04T12:23:00.004-04:00

sometimes I am overwhelmed by God's words. but I must check my soul and instead of holding them in my hands and try to look at them all at once and inject them into my being, I gather them quietly, acknowledging that it is from the Lord, and ask Him to not only plant them but water them. He is the Gardener and the Author and Perfecter of my faith.

"to God who accomplishes all things for me."
"He is the potter, we are the clay, he is the father. All we are is the work of His hands."

God has given me so much.

In the last 3, 4 months He has blessed me with a man who loves the Lord
who cares for me - who wants to get the most out of this life
a man who struggles with the want to serve God and the how-to-do-that and where-to-do-that and how to do that now
and in that struggle I know I am safe, because it is the want that I see, that God sees, and I feel protection in his desire to live for God - and the knowledge that God will guide, God will lead, and God will show His ways. God is faithful to answer as we pray for direction and God's will.

I have asked God, what it is supposed to be. and I have felt Him say that right now it is time to enjoy Max. To build this. to take small steps of faith forward in each realm of life - in a job, with people, with Max. to not look so far ahead, but

"Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow has enough worries of its own."

to take each day as a small gift and to be faithful in the small and large things that pass onto my path each day. and to believe God.

and God, is that enough? Yes. it is. Love Me, God says, and love others as you love yourself.

I look at my hands sometimes and wonder what they were made for
and I have heard when you ask a question and you dont see or hear an answer, go back to the last thing that you knew
until more revelation is given.

or wait. as Max said yesterday. Wait on God. He will be faithful.

and my hands were made to love, to paint, to make people beautiful, to create, to clean, to cook, to sing, to write, and there are small seeds of desire to hold orphans again, to learn the tools of healing prayer, but these things, though it is easy to compare myself to the missionaries who are changing countries, these things are not for me now. God has led me here. and I must trust He is doing what He needs to do, here. With me.a child.

I have felt His taming of my spirit.I am beginning to believe what He says to a greater level. and it changes a person. sometimes I feels too quiet. like I am not shaking anything up or doing enough. (this has for years been a lie that has followed me, that I must struggle with)

But He, daily, as I go to Him, and question who I am or where I am, He reminds me of thankfulness. of his unfailing love for ME. He reminds me of his instructions of contentment. He reminds me of His faithfulness to guide, that His hand is on me. He remind me that he instructs that if I trust Him and acknowledge Him in each step that I take, He will make my paths straight. I trust that. He quiets me. He tames this mustang spirit that I so often do not trust. and as I review and as I feel his words being planted in me, I am beginning to have hope.

2011-04-04T12:13:00.001-04:00

on these days and those days I will sing hallelujah.

2011-03-28T14:34:00.003-04:00

kitri runs through the house after asking me to put a small delicate cape on her small barbie. it proceeds to fall off two seconds later. I put it on. it falls off again. so I teach her how to put it on. it falls off again. I ask her to try. she says she can't. she tries at my prodding. she can't. so I do it. then she asks, "where's our lunch?" and takes off, head first through the house toward a movie playing in the living room.

Kitri will always be cared for my her parents, by us, by her elders. it is just a truth. and we will fail her. we will. over and over again, but still she will come up to us, and request help. it is the way of a child. and I expect to always be willing to help, to teach, to encourage. it is the way of an adult.

she walks in, and I say, "hi baby." She ignores me and proceeds toward whatever toy she had her mind set on. it doesn't bother me, because, she is a child. I hear her little feet pad through, with a telephone on wheels scraping behind her. she doesn't look at me, or talk to me, or acknowledge me because her eyes are set on her toy. she announces, because I am still typing, that she "is going to find cereal." she "is going to sit right here." she "is going to have this kind because Grandma said she could have it." this is the way of a child. so assuming of love and care. and she should assume it. she is healthily loved and cared for by my brother.

I pour her cereal. "pour me some milk too." "I will baby. don't worry." "And I need a spoon." "I know, Love. why would I get you a spoon?" "Because." she says. "Because I just love you." "Yeah, because you love me."

and like my Father would look at me and does look at me, in all my shortcomings - and all my imperfections, in all my weirdness. I look on with adoration.

remember that you are child. remember it is hard to be a child. but our Father adores child-like-faith.

2011-03-21T17:18:00.005-04:00

a man taught me what trust in God was many years ago and often I will return to it

he told me a story about a time when he lost his job.
he came home, told his roommate what had happened
his roommate began to ask him panicked questions
what? oh no! what will you do? where will you go? what is your plan?

the man replied, calmly,

"I prayed about it. it isn't mine to worry about anymore."

"...nations will be in anguish and perplexity at the roaring and tossing of the sea. People will faint from terror, apprehensive of what is coming on the world, for the heavenly bodies will be shaken. At that time they will see the Son of Man coming in a cloud with power and great glory. When these things begin to take place, stand up and lift up your heads, because your redemption is drawing near..." Luke 21
*we don't have to be afraid, in fact, we can be excited! we must be those people who are unafraid, those people who have a hope to trust in, a man, a Savior who has come and will come again - to FREE us. come lord Jesus!*

Tomorrow

2011-02-28T17:23:00.002-05:00

Life
is once again about to change.

in reflecting on the past, I see that my heart has not always handled change well,
but this time I hope to stand with it in courage.

strength.

excitement.

Soon, I will click a button, and "clock out" - Graduate from Douglas J Aveda Institute, and yes it feels good. it has felt right. The Lord has brought me into it and through it and of that I am assured.

During this year He (Daddy) has given me perfect work - cleaning houses one day a week, and a beautiful family who opened their home up again for me to live in it. All things I do not want to take for granted. All things I want to express gratitude for. I love to see His handprints all over things, and so when I lost a cleaning job, and the same day I got a new cleaning job, I could feel his presence over me, and his smile on me. Provider.

I stand, sure, of his provision.

I stand, sure, knowing that the next steps will surely be laid out in front of me.

and I crave prayer and I step forward into the adventure of finding a place to work, a place of work that will also be ministry. I am excited to assure my clients that I will be in prayer for them - and to watch God, over time, change their lives with frequent visits in my chair.

I cried out to Him today, I asked Him, please God, again, make yourself known. let me see that you are near me.

I stand, sure, that He will.

2011-02-21T22:01:00.002-05:00

when we gain something we must lose something else, it is the way of it. we cannot hold too many things in our hands, we are incapable. it is not something to be sorrowful about, but instead rejoice at the creation of change,the natural ebb and flow that life brings our way. we cannot protect so hard that which is not in our control and we must be willing to hold all things loosely

Kathy told me once of the rock she held in her hand, she held it so tightly that her palm began to sweat and her fingers began to shake and then, it came to nothing because when she opened up her hand the rock still sat there, quietly

without her tight grip, she could surely loose it easier she thought, she felt
and maybe it is true, but if we must hold something to tightly
then maybe it was never ours to keep in the first place

Sally

2011-02-11T22:29:00.003-05:00

died last week.

Mom told me tonight while I sat at the piano writing about Kathy. who died a year (plus) ago.

I didn't know her that well. but, I will write what I knew of her.
she was strong and burdened for her kids, so when I saw her walking the halls of crossroads, I was not surprised to hear her say she was there, looking, because she wanted a church that would bring them to life. A place they could find Jesus. A church that was filled.

Her husband used to wash dishes with my Mom when we went to Harvest, and his back hurt often. She had children, Opo, who was a chum, and the girls, beautiful girls, who I didn't always feel like I could connect with, but I liked them, and they liked me, even if they pretended they didnt. You could tell that there was hardship, but this was a spark in their parents eyes that you couldn't miss. Jesus stayed there.

I saw Sally a few months ago, at my work place.
the room was bright, and she was there with her girls to get their hair done. We stood in the center with the bustle of people, and she made me feel liked, and loved, her voice got louder when she saw me because she was excited, and that always makes me feel loved. Sally did this with people. She loved well.
Her hands her eyes were lively as she spoke and I asked her about the time I saw her at my church.

She told me something that I will not forget, she said,
Chelsea, you know what? I want the best for my family. sometimes I think we feel misplaced, we feel like oddballs because we are a family that doesn't have it all together. she said, but Chelsea, that is who we are. that is who God created us to be. we are not perfect. we are messed up. we aren't normal in that church and that is who God has called us to be in this world and at our church. because we are broken, unhealthy people. (she spoke the Gospel for all of us) and that is who i want to be. that is who I am. and God loves me, he loves us. Broken. dysfunctional. I want to be what God has called me to be. I want to be me. and I am going to fight to show my kids that who they are is not messed up. who they are is someone that can be loved by God.

and it was true.

and I pray that her life shines that even though she is gone.

and I pray this small testimony of her life can also change you.

2011-02-01T22:01:00.003-05:00

there is this little plant that has been nourished in my room the last year
a small part of a big plant that my Grandpa divides to give to those he loves

my Mom decided earlier this summer that my portion of the plant would do better outside and so she moved it to the porch -- but I wanted to take care of it, so despite her moving it, I took it back.

it survived the summer and the fall and most of this long winter, I've tended to it daily, but in the last few weeks it has struggled. not enough sun. and I've been picking and pruning the parts of it that are yellowing and dead, and slowly the plant has gotten smaller and smaller.

Mom says, parts of it may die if you leave it there, but, it wont die, its a strong plant, and then she offered again to put it up in the upstairs bathroom next to her plant like mine that is flourishing.

Max saw it struggling and asked about it as well.

So yesterday, I moved it. nearer to the sun. Next to Mom's. to a side of the house that gets longer stretches of sun. parts of it may die if I left it, but it won't die, and its a strong plant... but but but I want the best for it.

As I moved it I thought of my soul. your soul. our souls. how we often believe we know what is best, and sometimes even when we don't we want to tend our souls in our own environment, watering them, pushing them to we believe will be best, because we want the control, despite what other people say. despite if other people see the slow decline, the small parts dying

movement is needed in these times. movement is something of the spirit. Kristen moving to Iceland. Jamin cropping out the many activities that he wishes he could do so that he can do best in school. my waking up earlier to meet with God. Max and his beard. Dad going to get kerosene in this weather in case the power goes out. Mom thanking God every morning even when she feels no energy to. movement to bring life, heat, sun. there are measures we must take to bring ourselves up to speed, to press on where we began to walk, to run, to box as if not beating the air.

to have the most life, to bring the most glory and honor to God, we often must move our flesh. to follow the spirit. to step back where we were allowing laziness or apathy and to put our legs once again around something untamed and unknown

or, to put our plant where it will reach the most sun

yesterday

2011-01-24T14:27:00.007-05:00

I was in Alaska.
Abraham was giving up his son.
He was sleeping in his car.
Mom's insides were crying.
despite chaos,
Father was watching. waiting. smiling.

we were determined despite constant failure.
hearing and not listening.
unintentionally fishing and throwing back.
it was all for a reason.
they agreed on us, they disagreed, they agreed.
He knew.

yesterday
I was beginning to build a home of people.
like you have to do now.
lonely living in the same home as each other and now?
I know there is hope for you.
adoption was sure and her eyes were bright.
[they will be again, I'm praying.]

and he was one years old. and did not yet know my face with my name.
I was beginning to build a home of people.
T sent me a travel journal.
I did not know him as I do now. I do now.
Jana was a becoming the poet she is now.
K was learning many things about sisters. as was I.
E and I were discussing boogers on the underside of car-seats.
it started there.

and
happiness at times tried to tap me on the shoulder and I'd flinch and pull away.
now, I invite him in for tea.

2011-01-23T15:16:00.003-05:00

the time has come again to decide
what my life has been this year and what it should be tomorrow

I pick up the pieces of the last year and observe them as if I can stare at them in my hand
and I want to make choices to become more.

i find myself a lot of mornings pulling my body out of bed
heavy

I find myself a lot of sunday's convicted and see my own heart for its
heaviness

i find myself looking at my past failures and mistakes asking why and it feels
heavy

[but God has been responding to these things.]

and I have felt God's small whisper that to be brought into a new day is joy and to look forward with great enthusiasm and hope

and I have felt God's small whisper that to be brought to conviction may feel heavy but it is only that God wants to make me more and so to look at this with great enthusiasm and hope

and I have felt God's small whisper to look at my past failures and sadness with great courage and to instead look forward with great enthusiasm and hope

to see what can be instead of what wasnt
to see his steady perfect working in the places that have felt like a mess
to see that my value is no less and that I am broken but fixed by his grace just like anyone else
to see my failures and dance at His grace over it

to look at every situation with hope because God is smiling and has a home for me that is lacking tears and death and heaviness

but feasting and rejoicing. this is what I have to look forward to.

and to see the small joys of today.

because he is bringing me into newness of life! :) daily!
and I am delighted.

and I like Max.

2011-01-07T18:00:00.003-05:00

There is a desire in the human heart to fly. Ask any four year old boy. Or an old man confined to bed, for that matter. There is this unspoken thread that is woven through us all: the yearning to spread full your wingspan and take flight. - (miriam, from "The Center of the Flame.")

(photo from ache.tumblr)

2011-01-07T17:58:00.001-05:00

2010-12-24T19:38:00.001-05:00

I smile now when I see black scrunched up hearses. just saying.

God Can.

2010-12-20T22:48:00.003-05:00

God can.

I was just brushing my teeth and for some reason this phrase popped into my head.

God can?

*keep brushing.*

God can use whatever is meant for evil and bring it for our good.
God can care for our needs today. And He will still be here tomorrow too.

God can mend my fears.
I care way to much about what other people think. And I am learning to trust that He is leading me despite what other people may think. or how I may feel. Because a lot of times how I feel seems to be a lot more real than what actually is. Mom is always telling me to focus on today.

What can God do?

God can use really dark sad times and still breathe out of you so that others can see Him! In my hardest time when I felt like I was not portraying him at all, people constantly confirmed that they saw Him, they saw Jesus in me - and I know it was not me showing that. God can do it anyway. He's in control like that.

God can redeem things. He can use time and knit together small pieces of brokenness. He can stretch people really far away from each other when they thought they'd be near. That can hurt. But God can do it, the entire time knowing that His plans are better. He can create closeness. He can close gaps. God at times seems like a really mean mean God - because things happen that break peoples hearts. Babies die. People go lame. People leave their wives/husbands. people get hurt. But God is faithful. He can use these things to bring people so low, so desperate that they beg for Him and need Him to cover up all of their situations or worries or desperations in life. And lives turn around. Miracles happen. I have seen them. (And I am praying for you!) We have to take advantage of our challenges and get on our faces and learn to say that WE CAN'T. God can.

I fully believe that He creates/allows gaps between people in order to guide peoples paths. it's messy. it hurts. but, I must believe that God is good. I hate that phrase when I am in the pit. It really rubs me the wrong way. It feels like something I have to hold onto for dear life - like a slimy slippery rock in the middle of a the ocean in the middle of a storm that never seems to end - it seems like a pointless phrase in the midst of hardship. But we must throw off all doubt and grab hold of what we know. What is truth?

Romans 8:28 - God promises good to come out of all things to those that are called according to His purposes.

its a simple word today. but.

Despite how much control we think we have, His control is greater. stronger. He can fight for us. He sees our mistakes and can cover them for us. He can watch our mistakes and know we are human. God can pay for really large tickets. ;) or calm really sad hearts. or replace our old habits for new good ones. or use a gap to move a daughters feet. believe me. I know.

ps. a good quote I found from a friend today:
"The past still can hold good things in our hearts, but don't dare dwell on them saying "i want that", because nothing good comes from our desires if they are not Gods will."

2010-12-14T18:14:00.000-05:00

the mundane

2010-12-10T22:57:00.002-05:00

something that has been on my heart lately is the mundane. those things that are routine and constant

those things that for a large part, make up life.

sometimes I catch myself dreading them. and then I remind myself,
"this, this is life."

take the mother, the father, the bus-driver, the street-sweeper ( I think I must have talked about this before), the servant, the brother
and it reminds me that, even in the simplest parts, they are God's grounds for showing his glory. and they can be spruced up to make Him look good
(perhaps this is why I find my Mom singing in the kitchen, or my Grandpa whistling?)

often I have felt that these small mundane things are useless and insignificant when it comes to the Kingdom but then I imagined life without the dentist or the eye-doctor, or my mother who sowed seeds of the gospel as she folded my laundry when I was young or Jamin who is so deliberate in setting his words like gold, his "good mornings" are nutritious and full of love - His tone of voice, servant like.

Without the good men and woman doing the mundane things well, this world would be chaos. and Rod seems to think that peace in Chaos is what the Christian is. Shade. Water. Shalom. I agree with him.

I have found myself doing a lot of mundane things lately. In fact, daily.
and I am going to see them as worthy and large as evangelism.

last year

2010-12-01T22:06:00.002-05:00

around this time I was preparing to move to Alaska for a semester
and painting more than I have ever painted because God gave me this desire to

and I was asking God for money for Alaska and He gave me the exact amount I had asked for

and I have this itch again to paint and sell and use it
like Jamin told me a year ago, as my street corner
to litter the beauty of Jesus all over the walls of peoples homes
and I rather liked that thought

that this, the use of paint and oils and brushes could be my way of spreading his voice, his heart his feelings for his children

so God, I am asking for a renewed passion again for painting,
like last year

and I am recounting how faithful you were to me last year
because you say in one of my favorite passages

it is good to rise early in the morning and sing of his unfailing love
and to proclaim his faithfulness in the night - Ps 92
and it is night, so this is currently, appropriate.

tried

2010-11-27T19:25:00.003-05:00

found this post I wrote about a year ago, and it, with a few words changed, still stands as true.

i tried to pour myself into that skin
it was tight and restricting and hard to put on and I always asked why
tried and tried and tried to make it
for me

its not like it was wrong or right
maybe it just wasnt what God has called me to be

and God just smiled down at His lil lump of clay and kept pouring water to make it soft
and I hurt and hurt and hurt and asked why I was hurting

tried to make what I thought good for me
good for me
tried and tried and tried to make it
for me

its not like it was wrong or right
maybe it just wasnt what God has called me to be

and God just smiled down at his lil lump of clay and kept pouring water to make it soft
and I hurt and hurt and hurt and asked why I was hurting

and then I put up my hands
and became a delicate vase
and let my shape
take form
from Him
for me

and I remember learning in Alaska about vases and pots and how God pours us from one to the other and a lot of times we strain our necks and refuse change because it hurts and its hard and unfamiliar, but - God, the potter, knows what shape is best to display his handiwork. And so I am happy to say, again, He is making me soft.

ode to thanksgiving

2010-11-25T11:55:00.003-05:00

mumford and sons is gasping in the kitchen underneath
Jeshua pounding Lord of the rings on the piano (thanksgiving morning)
and jamin compliments him with the strings
it is loud, chaotic and beautiful like home is

the dehydrator is smoking while the turkey heats and josiah runs out for three more sweet potatoes and bagels with Zach attack

I fell asleep last night on the couch after crying with tammy
and Dad and I started a movie, one I saw about 5 minutes of in the beginning and then drifted off like I do but awike to an awkward kissing scene in the middle to which I turned over for because
I dont want to watch all that kissing if I can't be kissing
just being honest

I woke up at 7ish to the coffee grinder humming good morning
and decided to pass that moment by with more sleep

I woke again around 9 to Mom's cheerful voice
(she always seems cheerful)
and then later she produces an entire tv show over the sink explaining how to wash the inside of a plastic bag while Dad and I fiddle around on the computer

Dad rummages around the kitchen fiddling with diabetic appliances
and Jesh stomps through the dining room with a DVD, hoping Jamin will stop on the strings so that he can watch

happy thanksgiving.

I am so thankful to God.
For Tammy being home.
for trials. thank you God for trials, Mom says it will make me more of a person.
For the Smiths. who always have their door open to me and call me family. (Ally I will come to paint your wall again soon.)
for the Harangozos for being life-giving and honest.
For My Dad, the wonderful melancholy man that I could not live without who breathes wisdom and hold so firmly to the words of God.
For Mom, who has learned to cuddle with me at times and speak words of life daily.
For Jamin, who is always honest even when it is hard, but also has the kindest of eyes.
For Jesh, who has given me more reasons to get on my knees and has shown me the Lord. For his creativity and love.
For Joe, who is crazy, and such a smoocher. determined and manly.
For Austin and Kristi who are wonderfully wonderful and who I wish I could see more. THank you thanksgiving for bringing them over.
For Jana who is always bopping around and brings joy and love and learning. I can always grow by being around her.
For Kristen who calms me. and listens. and is a place of safety and comfort. and always will be no matter how she fills.
Emily who understands my sense of humor and always makes me laugh - who gets me.
Char who is like a painting that is moving - beautiful and magical. D is right, you are Cs. Lewis style.
For Dougie J - who brings relief and calm and education and a group of woman who have been put in my life for such a time as this.
For tomorrow and the promise of more life and peace in Jesus. I love Jesus.
For love notes on the windshield or from the hand of Molly's or random ones in the mail from Jessie's. Words are my love language.

(Ps. please breathe a prayer for my dougie J friends, H, and G, and M, as their lives are dug up right now and as they wait for God to move in their bodies and in their relationships.)

Thank you Lord

For a car that works and runs and is my place to speak to the Lord often.

For a cozy home full of chaos and love and God's presence.

for a job that provides.

for art. for Sarah. For April. For Emily who add joy to my life and consistency.

I am thankful for you. if I missed you forgive.
I do love you.

2010-11-22T15:32:00.000-05:00

I plan on being Chelsea tomorrow.

(a quote by brianna)

2010-11-17T23:28:00.001-05:00

excited because God always turns deserts into gardens.

Blessing and Truth

2010-11-16T19:26:00.004-05:00

this week?
it's been hard.
really hard.

I can't lie about that.
I won't.
I have lost and walked away from something that has been near and dear and almost a permanent part of my life. Because that is what God wanted.

I have freaked out this week about it. cried. talked to much. blah blah blah.
and all of this lead to feeling down and depressed and sad. Anxious.
and all of this time I churn.

do you know what churning is? for me,
it's turning over the information over and over and over in my head
trying to find a solution to your grief.

and usually there isn't an answer.
usually the answer is that, this hurts.
this sucks.
this is hard.
this doesn't feel right.
and at that time I have a choice.

Rod said once, He said, you can choose to be bitter
or to learn and grown. Bitter or better.

And so. I came to this conclusion, all of my "churning"
isn't getting me anywhere
and the Holy Spirit really spoke to me or smacked me, whatever you want to call it
WHY THE HECK are you doing this

and J, (thanks) sort of spoke into my life with her story
and said you just have to pray for that person that you are sad bitter angry about
and

I've learned you have to be truthful about how you feel
its okay that stuff hurts
or that you are sad
or depressed

but you must cling to truth

you must.

you must get past it eventually and say
God BLESS this person.
Bless Him/Her.
Because God has put in me love
HIS love
and I have no choice.

someone said once
that you know Jesus is in you when you get to the end of your rope
and you know that the only choice that you have is love
to love them

tenderhearted... forgiving each other.

[and]

there is freedom.

[and God has better plans for me.]
[and, I'm cleaning out my closet.]

Dear Tina and Al

2010-11-14T16:43:00.001-05:00

I know at times it was not easy to have the J and I take over your house and eat all of your string cheese, green apples and tortilla chips and at times I am sure it was frustrating but you never stopped loving me.

Even when I yelled at you for being mad at me or when I just sat there while you guys chased after (...) or when I wasn't as helpful as I should have been or when I would cry at times and bore you with my stories and drop many small yellow cards in the prayer box and also I think I didn't clean your house a few times when I was supposed to and yet

you both were always inviting.

and I wanted to acknowledge that your love has indeed changed me
and I wanted to say this out loud because your hospitality for those three (4? 3?) months will never be forgotten

(I praise Jesus for showing me love through you)

and because I want to remember it so that someday when I see someone in need I can open up my arms to someone and invite them in and love them until they are lovable

so

thank you.
for being consistent people.
for loving unconditionally, even when I feel like a mess
for being level-headed and telling me what I need to hear.
for being dedicated to God's word.
for being normal. and relationally in love with Jesus.
thank you for fighting for me, for inviting me into your home at all times.
for continuing to open up your arms to me after I no longer eat all your string cheese, tortilla chips and green apples.
for calling when you don't hear from me for awhile.
for opening up every Tuesday
for continued feastings of string cheese.

the end.

Psalm 57

2010-11-08T12:13:00.000-05:00

1 Lord

in you I take refuge.
I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings

2 I cry out to God Most High,
to God, who vindicates me.

3 He sends from heaven and saves me,
God sends forth his love and his faithfulness.

5 Be exalted, O God, above the heavens;
let your glory be over all the earth.

7 My heart, O God, is steadfast,
my heart is steadfast;
I will sing and make music.

8 Awake, my soul!
Awake, harp and lyre!
I will awaken the dawn.

9 I will praise you, Lord, among the nations;
I will sing of you among the peoples.

10 For great is your love, reaching to the heavens;
your faithfulness reaches to the skies.

11 Be exalted, O God, above the heavens;
let your glory be over all the earth.

2010-11-07T14:54:00.001-05:00

there are all of those questions that we grow up with
those things we analyze and try to interpret and understandto get peace and fulfillment

I have found that most things are easier then I first thought them to be.

like Jesus.
before he was a good story.
for awhile I lived for God and yet still was hindered in my understanding of Jesus and I thought that I must dig to find him when all I really had to do was ask Him to reveal Himself to me, and keep asking - it was not until then that I experienced a personal relationship. not until I understood need.

Rod spoke today about need, our need, everyones need.

We NEED God.

He said we couldn't get God until we saw our need for him
sort of like an alcoholic cannot become clean of their addiction until they recognize their addiction.

God can't be a wristband or a bumper sticker
he has to be our life breath.

I have asked God two things, I have asked Him to keep me always humble
and so in times when I find myself wrecked and desperate and so yearning for something that I feel will fill me he reminds me that it is only in His arms that I can come and truly be myself full of my need, desperate for my God
and only in that am I filled. He brings you low only to bring you back to Him, to show you need.
He is the living water that I have always wanted
that quenches my thirst.

I have asked God another thing, years ago, before I understood what it really meant
I prayed the same prayer as in Proverbs 30 - let me have neither too little so that I steal and curse God or too much so that I forget God and think I am fine on my own
I asked him to always just allow me to have just enough
so that I know it is always He that is caring for me
so that I do not become proud and try to run my own life
so that I am always called back to His bossom for rest, and help, and food

even ideas
to paint to draw to create to photograph to love to sing
they must be of him. must be.
or they have no breath.

I fully believe this.

I want to tattoo something on my wrist to remind myself that God,
He is the one that accomplishes all things for me

I want to do this because I believe that that is the one thing that brings myself and others peace - the kind that passes all understanding

because here and only here can I release my burdens onto Him
let them fall on his shoulders
and know and see and feel that there is indeed a God next to me
who is always with me (immanuel)
and when people ask what my tattoo means, I want to proclaim that truth
that God is a God who is with me
always
accomplishing all for me

and there, I loose anxiety, striving and a quest to be my own god
but I am His daughter

And Jesus is God.

(so if anyone knows the hebrew name for God that means: the God who accomplishes all things for me, let me know.)

2010-10-07T20:21:00.000-04:00

her eyes were naked
she sat sophisticated in my chair
simple tall unwed frame quietly propped
talking about biking and camping and
hospice

she said that people usually die the way that they lived
if in chaos, end in chaos
it didn't feel like a morbid conversation but
rather normal

everyone dies she said but nobody wants to talk about it
but we did

and then my grandpa came in the door later tonight with his jolly little eyes
and his lemon merangue (SP?) pie
when I see him I often think of death because out of everyone I know I always assume him closest as he is the oldest
and i catch myself thinking sad thoughts but really i should be thinking about simply enjoying him while I have him here
even if death is near

death cannot be frightening, though it is because it is unknown
but, I heard a story once about a martyr who fed his life to death for his faith
and his parting words were

for the christian, death dies here

and so, this may be quite a jumbled piece of writing but,
I meant to try and say something.
I hope you caught it.

prayer requests

2010-10-06T21:01:00.000-04:00

And by Gods grace and my lips that plead for His grace
I make it through.

and you will too.

please pray for my friend Jana who's right eye is giving her a lot of trouble. Pray for miraculous healing and grace for her heart. I love her and her eyes are the most beautiful ones I have ever seen - and they will never cease to be so beautiful. Pray for wholeness.

please pray for my friend who is waiting on God's encouragement, his steady hand to push her further - that whisper that says "stay" - that place where she has no fears, no questions and reassurance of the place she stands in. Pray that God grants her peace.

Please lift up my little brother who is finally learning to see. He was once blind, but now he can see. He still squints, pray that everyday he can open his eyes more.

Please lift up my family who is growing closer everyday. pray for freedom for my Dad and joy for my mom. I have seen leaps and bounds in this in the last year or two.

Pray for Karen Plas who is in great need of back, hip, leg and foot repair.

pray for sexual purity in america. in the church.

pray for the unborn.

lift up and pray for the orphan.

God hears.

2010-09-20T12:19:00.000-04:00

drove through the post office parking lot this morning and your face came up
I remembered you died last year of cancer and they cleared out your office

when I was young you taught sunday school and had a lot of little children with half brown skin, most of their names starting with J
your wife was beautiful

J had sad eyes and a crooked back and I remember talk of surgeries
and wheelchairs and I hope your two sons, j and j, have found their way
I saw J on the bus a lot a few years back and wondered if you two still talked
I haven't see your ex-wife in years but I say J once at Celebration on the Grand
in a canvas booth dressed for work

I remember you getting on your knees in the small classroom down the hall on the right at Reformed Baptist - to show us what repentance looked like
and since then you have showed me differently, but not with words
your life has shown me God's large arms, and His grace

Mom said a few years after we left the church you and your wife had separated and she saw you in your post office office and your walls held porn and it was awkward for her to stand there and talk to you wondering how you felt knowing they were staring at you from the walls like an awkward elephant in the room

it took your death bed to bring you back and you laid there without enough strength to climb onto your knees but God heard your words, the words that closed the gap between the two of you and I am sure Jesus said, today, you will see me in paradise.

Dear E

2010-09-18T23:15:00.000-04:00

what happened?
I remember the book that used to sit on your bookshelf,
and the way you talked about Him
the way you put your bed away for a year so that you could feel the wood under your back because you wanted to know how they felt, the poor, the poverished

you changed after the island.

I used to look up to you, even after the sledding incident when you made me cry and feel bad because I left you on the hill when we were young
I looked up to you because of the way your eyes looked when you talked about Him
and the way the words rolled off of your tongue so easily as if you didn't have to think about your words, they came so easily
like they were painted on the walls of your ribs
your organs, your breath

something happened after the island
you took that job and started to look different in your eyes
it had been awhile and so one night I came over
and by the end you could fit your key in the keyhole of your door
it just kept slipping
and I had to help you into bed and find my own way around

I was shocked.

you didn't talk about Him anymore and your eyes wouldn't focus easily, even when you weren't intoxicated
and you seemed nervous and yet passionate and it was a restless mix

we talked for hours over coffee at Marie's, and then again in the car
you had put ink in your thumb to remind you of eternal life but
you didn't talk about Him anymore
and your eyes didn't strike me like they used to.

I wonder if you still look at the Hebrew on your wrist. Beloved.

I miss you.

I hear about you from time to time
Mom says you held starving children and that is what changed it
but I know you still believe in Him
Randy says your heart is big

did you know your Mom cries for you?
weeps.
in front of people.

Because you have gone to save them and left God out of it
because you don't think He can care if he can leave them as they are

Did you know
He has climbed into your hands
at 7 He climbed in and whispered to you about a country
the children

did you know that you are Him to them,
you bear His name, E

He has not forgotten them after all.

come back. will you? I miss you.

2010-09-14T09:30:00.001-04:00

i feel a passion rising up in me again,
a passion that has been unfamiliar for a few years now

a passion for people - the revival of people
a passion I once felt and turned into an idol
a passion God had to break me of so that I would see Him for who he was
before I tried to "fix" the world on my own

I am convinced of the love of God.
a love that for so long I longed for.
a love I had to ask God to show me everyday,
God show me the love of Jesus
show me what the cross means
show me the love of Jesus

and he Did.

and it is the air I breathe.

Rod says for us to ask God to put it at the center of our being
that is it the air we breathe out.
that we look like the gospel as we walk and talk.

i am convinced that people will not change until they see feel taste the love of Jesus Christ.

if this is the one thing that we actually "get" in this life
let it be that Jesus' love covers all
and let that be written in our eyes

2010-09-06T21:58:00.000-04:00

what will our Christian name be worth if we cannot learn first to love unconditionally
what will my faith mean if I cannot look at each of my friends in the eye and say, no matter what I will love you and i will not give up on you even if it takes 70 x 70 a day. we will not be able to reflect Jesus' love if we cannot display this.

2010-08-23T08:48:00.000-04:00

my heart has been hurting a bit the last few weeks...
those familiar aches that come and go that people say are to be expected.

fond memories
things I wish I had never said and wishing I could patch them
but knowing that where I am is where I am and this is right
and that God can use every word, even the harmful ones to create gold
and I pray He does.

my tiny life
lies in Gods hands.

my small frame.

and when I cry I wish I had two arms to wrap around me but then I remember that God's are biggest
strongest
and I let him.

I must turn to God in every need
and ask Him to fill it
and as I spill my heart i can almost feel his breath take it from me

I have found Him to be the best love I could ever have
and Rod spelled it out beautifully yesterday

and I have been found. by the God of the universe.
He. Loves. Me.

and this
is where I want to be found
at your feet Jesus
my hands open wide

I receive your love
and I give you mine

this
is all there is
and where I want to be found.

Ang

2010-08-12T22:06:00.000-04:00

asked me today, what are the two things that are the happiest for you right now?

I said, #1.

I finally really believe that if I never got married, I'd be completely content and okay. I have given it to God. really.

#2.

I have found a home of people. A group of people that are home. People I never want to live without.
where they go, I want to go, where they stay, I want to stay, their God, is my God...

and, I am happiest.

ode to home

2010-08-11T22:03:00.000-04:00

this acre is a melancholy
color of the sea

a few cymbals from the bedroom window come crashing onto the lawn
that has yet to be mowed by the same one singing with his hands and two sticks

the air conditioner, humming
the fan playing in the key of a

white lilies standing tall behind the ones that are croutching, ready to end
birdbath, empty
after noon.

a lite green
id say

my father bent over the computer
his socks shucked by the door
postman uniform still buttoned on his frame
wrinkled elbow swung across the counter

a bird flutters by the window.

the stoic tree still stands
the one that used to keep me awake at night telling me stories of how it might
fall
on me while I am asleep

wine glasses tucked away in the china cupboard
gray couches slumping in the living room waiting for tired bodies

hard-wood floors waiting to be swept
chimes swinging
slowly like a childs legs
waiting

empty porchswing
empty rocking chair

this acre is a melancholy color of the sea

home

2010-08-05T17:20:00.000-04:00

is a strange concept.

to my mother, I haven't lived at home for 5 years.
though, there have been many places that I have felt, at home.

i'm here now. there is a bed in the corner of the room and we are talking about paint
a cream colored curtain is blowing
and my car is full of things to unload.

I feel paralyzed by the sight of it, once again, unpacking all of my belongings
to set temporarily on the shelves
and I ask

why?

why have I moved so many times?
and they have all felt God-led.
why?

I dont understand.
perhaps it is simply to show me that God is my home
that Jesus within me is my resting place
and that no matter where I find to rest my feet - I am home.
with him.
exuding him.

this is my calling.

I remember when I was 12... 14? I dont remember.
but I wrote in my bible and in my journal
"God, I give you my feet."

at that time I felt it very significant
a very poetic statement for a girl my age
but,
I think that he took them.

and sometimes I dont really quite understand
but I am happy, at times I feel uprooted
but with each step I have learned that

He. remains. consistent.

He is home.

they knew my name

2010-07-29T20:18:00.000-04:00

i was in their way today (they wanted to turn right)

two men with loud music and I looked at them and smiled
lil naive girl that I am here, with my girly braid somehow tucked in
on the east side

I looked at them and said "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry" for blocking them in
and they shook their head and said , "you a'ight, you a'ight girl"
when I was able to sneak forward a bit, ready to pull out they ask
"girl whats your name?"

and I shook my head because I wasn't going to tell them

and they shook their head back at me, because even though they didn't know my name, they said it
they said you are "precious" or "priceless" I am not sure which

but God spoke both of them through them, and that is all that matters.

2010-07-20T22:03:00.000-04:00

i'll be taking a bit of time away.

Romans 10

2010-07-19T23:29:00.000-04:00

"all day long I have held out my hands

to a disobedient and obstinate people."

I read this passage a few weeks ago, and I have been sitting on it.

I really hope I am not taking it out of context... I do have a habit of doing that from time to time. But, this verse really struck me.

it gave me a picture of the God we serve, this father this brother this spirit in us

some kind and willing

I so easily discount people at times, for this lack of kindness toward me, or their bad attitudes

but God is a God of

all day long.

of 70x70.

refusing to give up.

continually holding his hands out toward us, even though our attitudes are

disobedient and obstinate.

it gives me such hope for little brothers who turn there back because God is standing their

with his hands out.

He hasn't given up.

it gives me hope for myself.

and shows me what kind of attitude the spirit inside of me is yearning for me to have toward others.

one of humility.

I do not want to put up a front toward anyone that I do not need them that they do not matter, because who am I to do that?

it hurts me most when someone treats me this way

when they act as if they could take me or leave me

but God waits

He stands hands open ready to receive us.

and I am safe with a God who loves me like that despite

myself.

2010-07-17T17:45:00.000-04:00

sometimes I wish doors could be closed more quietly, you know?

with cheerful voices and waving as if I will see you soon and it will be okay then

I wish I knew what to say to you but I don't.

youd think that I would because

I know you so well

but I dont and I always end up saying the wrong thing.

I want to say the things that will heal you

that will wrap up those parts of you

and I end up finding that silence is probably more healing than most of the things I have said.

I hope that someday it wont have to be that way. I wait for it because.

silence is loud.

but I wish you well. know that. I wish you will. the best in fact. always.

todays word.

2010-07-11T14:15:00.001-04:00

:love does no harm to his neighbor: Rom 12:10