" be still before the Lord. wait patiently for him. " Refrain from anger and turn from wrath do not fret, it only leads to evil." ps. 37 7-8 " When I said, "My foot is slipping!" your love, oh lord, supported me. " When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul." ps. 94:18-19 "if we cast our burdens on another, can they continue to press on us? if we bring them away with us from the throne of grace, it is evident that we did not leave them there... if I bring away my burden, I conclude that faith was not in exercise." - streams in the desert, april 24th

PLEASE STEAL THIS IDEA.

If you notice, there is a link to the right of this page that says, "if he gives me days."

Please read and steal this idea, it helps greatly to inspire life and ideas and dreams in a person.

thankful for

1. Emily's laughter from downstairs
2. hope.
3. possibilities
4. Cozy cottages of Frankfort Michigan
5 scuttle of Ginger's feet
6. Lists.
7. eyes, breath, smell
8. Traverse City
9. Promises.
10. This I know, my God is for me.
11. Warmth of sleeping bag over feet.
12. Birds chirping in chilly air
13. Sounds of cars passing (grateful for hearing)
14. "I want you to learn, be sure of yourself."
15. sun going down through the window
16. leather straps loose on journals
17. sickness gone.
18. running through the sand at Pt. Betsie.
19. water of the great lakes
20. yipping of Ginger.

passive faith

it is morning and
I woke earlier than I would have liked.

I sit and think of my life, the half-finished painting at the BR, the work up in Madcap that would be better had I had more time, the heads of hair that are placed in my hands daily
the two roommates
the love of mine that lingers in the Cayman Islands, Diving
the two paintings in the back of my car, screaming my name

loose ends. finished work. lists of to-dos.

and I find myself here.

I think of my family, my friends. the loose ends, the one who is too skinny and the other who's jaw aches from wisdom teeth and the heart that aches from break-ups, the other sits looking at his hands in front of the stove and the one who can still look at me in the eye despite what she's going through and all that I have are words.

there are always loose ends.

I've been learning this theme of passive faith (an exert I read recently)
Because Faith cannot be forced. it cannot be created. Faith, real faith, cannot be anything but passive. it is simply offering and walking away without a weight on the shoulders. It is letting go and not trying to psychologically create something that hasn't yet happened. Trusting is to fall onto, not to hold onto. It doesn't make sense in a society that tells us to use our hands our words our minds to manipulate the circumstances.

Passive faith allows you to breath, to walk away from the questions
to walk away from control and simply

believe.

I'm asking and so I am receiving.
I'm seeking and so I am finding.
I'm knocking and so the door, it will be opened.

I wish I had words to influence the hearts of those I love and ache for but all I have are words. Not for them but For God in heaven who looks down and searches the earth for those that I speak to him about. He has his hand on them.

and the loose ends, they teach us to wait, to be calm to be passive in our faith and not try and force faith but to be passive with knowing.

believing and waiting to see what I believe.

the loose ends will be tied up, I know it. and I will tell the story here.

it is

an easy thing to thank God when things are good.
a courageous thing to do when things are not.


keep counting.

if He gives me the days

[PS. PLEASE COPY THIS IDEA.]

* will probably never have a check next to them because they are things I'd like to do continuously throughout all of life

and these are not in order of priority.

1. visit/stay at a monastery
2. finish my degree
3. become an esthetician
4. have a baby out of my crotch
5. adopt a child
6. have a dog
7. get a motorcycle
8. roadtrip/train trip out west
9. live in alaska with the hubby (at least for a month?)
10. mentor young woman *
11. Learn make my own shampoo and laundry detergent
12. make a large area rug
13. knit a blanket
14. learn to sew clothes
15. enter artprize
16. paint a masterpiece
17. get a good camera
18. Have sex with my hub
19. Have sex in weird fun places
20. Take a train to NYC, and then go to a Broadway in NYC
21. broadway: Lion King
22. Blog the gospel*
23. (CHECK) Go horse back riding (thanks Stef!)March 2012
24. Shoot my own engagement photos
25. love people intentionally *
26. #1. love God. *
27. Become an art teacher (maybe teach it college level someday)
28. Take a pottery class
29. (CHECK) become a cosmetologist April 2011
30. (CHECK) See Wicked in broadway 2010?
31. Broadway: Phantom of the Opera
32. Broadway: Les Miserable
33. Write the bible
34. Read Ahab's wife
35. Write Poetry Manuscripts *
36. Have a flower garden
37. grow my own herbs
38. (CHECK) dye my hair copper/red January 2012
39. Dye my hair platinum
40. dreadlocks.
41. get married
42. (CHECK) skydive. Summer 09
43. Skydive with my husband
44. learn how to snowboard
45. more dark room classes
46. get a zoom lens
47. get a big computer with light-room
48. knit a blanket
49. get a tattoo
50. Suffer a death of a close one well. Suffer well. (Ps 34:1)
51. Work out three times a week *
52. make music*
53. Become a carpenter of sorts
54. Memorize Scripture *
55. Cook kick-butt meals for people *
56. Become gluten free, really.
57. Get a massage table and love people this way
58. (CHECK) go cross-country skiing with Max March 2012
59. Travel, photograph, paint *
60. own a small cottage/cabin that other people can go to as well
61. Make really big pillows
62. Blog to 10,000
63. go to a bed and breakfast up in the Northern cold cold part of Michigan
64. Take criticism well *
65. get a sewing machine
66. love unconditionally *
67. Knit Max a sweater with a long torso that actually looks good
68. Great wolf lodge.
69. Paint sailboats, lots of them.
70. Work at founders
71. Be hot still at 65 years old
72. Make my hub and my kids feel good about who God has made them because of the love of God in me. *
73. Run a 5k
74. Study counseling
75. Counsel couples with Max
76. Corkboard: goals, dreams, personalities, how to love well - up in our house
77. See all of my brothers get married.
78. own my own house
79. get a jeep
80. go to switzerland
81. Get a kick-butt bike
82. get a bike rack
83. get my belly button pierced after having a baby
84. art room in my house for all my art crap
85. clean, organized, well lived in home
86. teach art to high schoolers (HSB?)
87. Share the gospel with a stranger
88. Muffin mission
89. Pray for someone every single day (like the lil old lady did for Max) *
90. Teach young women how to love their hubs
91. have a house that smells so good
92. share well. *
93. borrow well. *
94. Say sorry easily. But healthily.
95. Learn more about painting.
96. learn more about photography (digital)
97. Pay off all school debt.
98. Make my besties a painting.
99. paint my parents home.
100. be in love still at 65 years old, no regrets.
101. finish the house.
102. live in midtown.
103. be a barista
104. hospitable. *
105. write 25 really really good songs.
106. travel to every state
107. homeschool uniquely.
108. hike. hike. hike. *
109. Camp. camp. camp. *
110. Get two person tent.
111. learn to croquet
112. give away 1000 $ at one time
113. Meet Gidget
114. Learn to love my hub well
115. Disciple women in my living room.
116. own my own gallery/art space/hair salon/store
117. Women's center
118. paint a portrait of Max
119. go to hawaii
120. Take a group of kids out west
121. (CHECK) live in community SBR 2007-2009
122. Finish the SBR lion painting.
123. K Berry as my Neighbor
124. Go to europe and backpack and stay in hostels with the man friend and take pictures like crazy
125. Say thank you Abba, everyday.
126. get married in a field or on the beach.
127. (CHECK) art show that I am proud of at Madcap March - May 2012
128. write a book.
129. have a rust colored bathroom
130. enjoy being a Mom and wife as first priority.
131. Paint a room puke green.
132. be satisfied with each area of my home. live and use each part of my home.
133. Keep only what I need. sustain this lifestyle.
134. Finish "8 minutes in the morning" straight through.
135. be unafraid what people think of me.
136. plant a dill, cilantro, basil garden
137. make my own spicess
138. (CHECK) live in Alaska Winter 2010
139. Own a leather couch that you can sink into
140. Be married to a man with a pierced ear. or nose. (hint, hint, hint hint.)
141. Have an animal hide rug someday
142. Make a loft in my house
143.

and the list continues

I rubbed her feet and she leaned her head back on the chair and told me about the stroke and the monastery and the East side of the state and I remember some things, like about the monk-son and the daughter in Cali working with troubled children

mostly I remembered her saying that

one thing she told her children was

to live a life that is full is to bless intentionally each person you come into contact with

she asked me, sweetie, how old are you because she wondered at me questions and my serious thinking and my determination to love well

live a life that is full by blessing each person you come into contact with

Mommy T (Mother Theresa)
she said this as well. She said don't worry about loving everyone and doing everything.
she said to love one.

one


one one


one one one
one one one one
one one one one one one one one one one
one one one one one one one one one one
one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one
one one one one one one one one one one one one one
one one one one one one one
one one one one one one one
one one one one one one one one one one one one
one one one one one one one one
one one one one one one one one one one one one
one one one one
one one one

yes.

it's obnoxiously numerous
and that is how you build your treasure and lay your life down
and impact this world
and love God by loving others
and loving others as you love yourself

I may have done some good in Bangladesh or Mali Africa
but, Jesus continually simplified his instructions to us and said to love God and love others as you love yourself



I've been trying to run from the numbers for a few years now, the numbers of responsibility
the people I feel responsible to love
and how God has blessed me with an answer, by giving me a gift of one that he asks me to love as He loves him...

I haven't written much lately.
Perhaps its because I have started my career as a stylist
or because my boyfriend put a ring on my finger and became my fiance

God has whispered that I can now focus my love
the love he has put in me
on Him
and on a few others
and on those in my chair

I pray over the heads of those that I shampoo
I dream I make lists I cook I try to make time to paint

I am becoming who I am supposed to become and when I get comfortable then God reminds me
that this life is not for comfort it is for pouring out
for repenting and refining each section of my house
my life
my thoughts
my actions
to reflect him

and how I fail.

And there is One, above the other ones that I must love most
and he has called me to that this year
called me back to him
He's beckoned me to read Matthew right now
and asked for more of my time
and asked me to drive the speed limit
and asked me to slow down

it seems I've always multitasked
always tried to love the person in front of me while doing something else
and he's asked me to slow myself
to be like a weaned child, to still and quiet my soul (Ps. 131:2)

Challenge me this year to be slow
to love the One, and one at a time
and pray for me in 2012 to learn to love the one that I am marrying as well as I can.

missed you all.
glad to be back.

tethered to joy

this weekend I learned a few things, primarily that polyester is very hot, a good mix of dt. Pepsi and coffee and no water because it smells funny is dehydrating, that boyfriend keeps getting better with time (Max went to see my family without me while I was away!), that we should love people even if other people deem them less quality because sometimes they become the best of friends, and that it is good to invest in quality oil paint because the results is so much more appealing.

I bought a ring this weekend. it is oval and covers most of my pudgy middle finger and I bought it as I close and return the book "1000 gifts" - a book that shared with me the secret of conquering anxiety, bitterness and anger - with Thankfulness, the second salvation. This ring is somewhat of a stake in the ground, as Rod would put it. Skip told us to build an altar to remember things, to have a symbol to constantly remind ourselves when God has spoken. And in this last year, God has spoken over me two themes,

THANK the Lord for His STEADFAST (*dutifully unwavering) LOVE, for His wonderous works to the children of man! and let them offer sacrifices of THANKSGIVING. and tell of his DEEDS in songs of JOY.

- Psalm 107:21-22

1. God has steadfast, dutifully unwavering love for me.
2. I will always have a reason to be thankful and bless my God.

I spent the weekend with K10. I made a list of things to complete and I completed every single one of them. The sky was gray which is K10's favorite color, and the ground was wet the entire time, which was a gift from Jesus to me. I was forced to wear my polyester hood as K10 learned patience from antique shop to antique shop.

K10, she brings rest out of me. [everyone brings something different out of you?] K10 brings rest. and patience. I struggled with her dang stupid sewing machine and made mittens and she carefully fixed the machine, slowly wrapping the thread when I'd break things and calmly conclude the procedure of getting me back on track.

I felt a strange thing as we closed the weekend, I felt anger. I think it is because life will be different soon-- I have a job and a man who means more to me than any kind of freedom. I will soon live a life that is not completely my own, which even this statement is denial because my life is already not my own.

I am tethered willingly to God. even our joys are tethering and sometimes we strain at them. I am delighted to be tethered to God, to those that I love, to good quality oil paint, to my personality, to inspiration and hair color and curls and knitting needles and writing artful music and all those things that come with me. And, Max tethers himself willingly to my craziness. and I to his.

I am estatic about this, and sometimes frustrated. But in the end I am estatic to be tethered to a God who expects love from us when we'd rather not talk to the old man in the antique shop who wants to discuss old vehicles and Whitehall in the 1900's after the war.

Kristen turns on her blinker and I finish writing this blog on the gluten free cookie bag that sits next to me. We leave Whitehall and I get excited to see Max. Her eyes are tired from writing the bible, and the sleeves of my elbows are stained from oils. This is the life that I have been called to, I build an altar and remember how blessed, how bless I am in it.

remembering. thankfulness.

things have really turned around and I guess that is why Jesus writes stories "for such a time as this"

this year really feels like a holiday, I will really be celebrating because now I understand thanksgiving and I hope I never give that up, even in the hardship.

For 21 years we were all on our knees for Jesh, and now his eyes are soft and his mouth weeps truth after truth after truth and he writes deliberately on his facebook about the love of God. the streams of living water are coming forth. I remember the image I got years ago of him at the front of church with soft eyes, worshipping our God. this is an answer to prayer.

My Father is at home in his life, finally. He holds the hand of my mother and their hands are leathering, together. this is an answer to prayer.

I've prayed that Austin would become a leader, a teacher - and he now leads worship at Ada Bible and I can see His spirit reawakening even with the limp without the motorcycle, without the pipes, the boos, the insects, the metal detectors. God awakens Him. This is an answer to prayer.

I've prayed for my Mother to love my Father, to respect Him despite his flaws and she now says, how cute he is, and she leans in, she leans in, she leans in toward him. this is an answer to prayer.

Jamin's insides are healing as well, and he is becoming bold and able and manly and He is holding hands with a woman of purity and proverbs 31 qualities. This is an answer to prayer.

Josiah has discovered parts of himself and still wades just as we all did through those high-school and freshman college years... and he will come closer as the years pour forth. He leads worship, a prayer request I have been offering up for the last few years - that he would turn his performing into worship - and this last week at church He wept in front of church, sharing a song about our Father's Son, Jeshua who is now the Lords. He told the congregation that He is now giving up performing and will now be simply worshipping. This is an answer to prayer.

I am no longer shaking in the mornings or letting my mind wander - It is disciplined on most days and I feel strong and able and stable. For the first time in my life I am living without fear. I look ahead and laugh at the future. My God has steadfast love for me. This Steadfast Love, and this Thankfulness - they have cured my anxious wayward heart. All is Grace. This is an answer to prayer.

So, I ask, will you pray now for the Grandparents who do not know the Lord? For the Kitri who is so young and ready for the world to collapse her or grow her? All is Grace.

There are many more prayers, some unanswered still, waiting - but we will wait on the Lord and we will thank Him and recall the past and the words that we have offered up in HOPE and we will remember, as Max always says, we must remember.

the edges of his mouth curled up into a smile
it was on the way to McDonalds today
and he smiled while he informed me he's been highlighting.

in his bible.

when it began happening, I don't think I at first offered praise.
it was like I just held my breath, waiting for it to pass, for it not to be real.
I didn't believe it.

Sort of like Dave, you know, we've been praying for him for 3 years now and the Smiths still find him passed out on the porch or behind the brick wall sucking down his demon in a can with Deba Jean and you begin to roll your eyes or shake your head or laugh when you hear he's sobered up now because, we've heard it a thousand times before - and still, there is a small seed of hopefulness. and there is hope.

I've been on my knees since J was 7, pleading to the Lord for his salvation.

This morning I walked into his room, the one with bright colors and tie-dyed things hanging everywhere, the dresser-drawers littered in sharpie, wooden boards with spray-painted shapes - and my body got chills.

two years ago I remember walking in and praying over that room because it held a presence of darkness - remember the open bedroom window that he smoked marijuana out of? or the "coke" he was drinking diluted with vodka. It is good to remember the bad I think, because then you see the redemption. I remember when I lived at the boiler room and I cried and cried and cried because I learned he was trying to figure out if he was a homosexual - and he was experimenting. I remember seeing the scars on his upper arm from cutting, and Mom made him keep his door open. I remember the loosing weight, the constant fidgeting, the dull eyes, the paranoia about medical problems everytime I was around him. I remember him at 7, he wouldn't speak - the self-loathing. I remember the drawings we've found in the last 10 years, the demons, the skeletons, the naked women.

this morning, my body got chills because I walked into his room and there was worship music on high volume. and the room felt light.

and he asked me last week about a drawing of a skeleton, he asked if I thought he should throw it away because it was so dark - He had drawn it for a friend who wanted to have it tattooed on his body, and Jesh said He didn't want to let his friend have it anymore.

and he's highlighting in his bible.
he's given up alcohol for life.
he's spoken of spray painting verses.
and his facebook is not longer littered with the F word, or complaints or boredom, but this is a recent status of his on Facebook where He is proclaiming his faith better than I do

Once you do what God wants you to do, you realize that's what you really need, and all you ever really WANTED.

and another

With God, all things are possible.

You can be who you are meant to be. You can benefit most out of life. You can be who you actually really want to be deep down with God.

You can still be artsy and beautiful, rocker or punk, hippie or scene, forget being sad and emo, be happy with life and LOVE people, as the army says, Be All You Can Be, you can have a clear path and direction, a life of purpose, YOU CAN BE FREE, soooo free and happy...With God. connect with people, be peaceful and stay positive!

So. thank you, if your lips have ever stood in the gap for my brother.

Max told me once that an old lady came up to him once at church and said, Max, I pray for you every single day. And Max told me that he thought it incredible that who he is today is largely because of that lady, because as God searched the earth from heaven and looked down he saw Max because of that ladies constant prayers and He answered from Heaven... inspiring.

and if you would offer up another prayer for Jeshua as you read this - I pray for continued pulling toward God - that the seeds would go deep - That his entire life would be redeemed and that God would use Him in incredible ways.

Thank you.

Thank you Lord for

1. sun coming through ugly lace curtains.
2. Thankfulness that has quenched anxiety.
3. Max Garter - a man whom I love to be with.
4. 2 wonderful roommates who push me closer to Jesus and live in this tiny baby house with peace and harmony.
5. This tiny baby house. (Haven't I always DREAMED of this?)
6. A house ahead of me to clean...
7. God's faithfulness to begin healing work in my little brother who now professes your name after 21 years of prayer. (send one up right now if you are reading this, for Jeshua's continued dedication to Jesus Christ)
8. God's steadfast, dutifully unwavering love.
9. Hope. finally. full and beautiful HOPE.

the only way to fight a feeling is with a feeling. feel thanks and its impossible to feel angry. we can only experience one emotion at a time. and we get to choose what emotion we WANT to feel.

- 1000 gifts. pg. 136.

Dear Fishhead, these pictures made me think of us.

You never really understand a person until
you consider things from his point of view— until you
climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.
— Atticus Finch, To Kill a Mockingbird

[love you.]

I have discovered joy.

it isn't Max or the job or the new house the new location the people

its the still small voice the answered questions, the real and true and a live God that I do life with and next to and in everyday who has led me to max the job the new house the new location and the people

it is the spirit of thankfulness that he has brought me into by his grace because of the book the verses the small lesson that dropped the seed in Alaska

the thankfulness has killed the majority of the bitterness the fear the depression the anxiety the lack of trust that plagued me that still plagues me some days but as God brings me further into His eyesight

there is healing.

I have learned that:

If you feel as if God is prodding you in an area and you respond to Him and allow Him to work and move - in a sin area, or in a stronghold, in a lie, in your life - there will be freedom. God moves to produce freedom because Jesus came that we might have life and have it to the fullest.

I believe this. and I am learning to see.

His grace for today

1. wilting dalias
2. rainy mornings followed by sunny, cool, late afternoons
3. Marcy Smith's swollen feet.
4. scarves.
5. moving boxes (for Frederick street!)
6. Aleece Hansen's eyes.
7. greenery in my bedroom
8. courage to speak
9. God's word which is living and active
10. "Whatever you do, do it without complaining or arguing." - Philippians.
11. sitting on laps
12. french press coffee
13. air in my lungs
14. a Jesus who loves me and covers all of my sins and wipes me clean everyday and tells me, "Chelsea, my mercies are new every morning."